Heidi's Latest News

2004

May 18th: Colonoscopy discovers a tumor on the muscle wall of my anus.

May 25th: Cancer diagnosis delivered

May 26th: See Dr. Maddoff, a surgeon who tells me surgery is last resort, so I don't need to see him

May 28th: Have an appointment with Dr. Londer at North Memorial,set the ball in motion for treatment

June 2nd: Consult with Dr. Nisi, a radiation oncologist

June 7th: PICC line placed in my right arm for chemo treatments and future blood tests

June 8th: CT scan and radiation coordinates places on my body, I got 5 tattoos to mark the radiation field, having trouble with the PICC line, dressing replaced.

June 9th: 1st Radiation treatment. I am blown away with modern technology. I am also blown away with humility in how many people have to look me over in my private places. AAAGH! Off to Hubert H.Humphrey Cancer center. there may be a problem with my PICC line. I go to radiology to have a dye run through the line to make sure there is no leaks, which there isn't, it is just bleeding due to the placement in the fold of my arm. Chemo is introduced to my body at 11:30. Weird is all I can say. I am there for 2 hours and then I get set up with a portable bag of 5FU for a continuous treatment for 96 hours. I will be done Sunday at 1:15.

June 10th: PICC Line is still bleeding, dressing is changed without trouble. Radiation treatment #2, 30 to go.

June 11th:Today is my third day of chemo therapy,. I wear a pouch around my waste 24 hours a day. The bag is attached to the PICC line in my right arm. I am feeling all the side effects the nurse described a few days ago. Each hour brings on a more intense side effect. I may have to break down and take the anti-nausea medication. It is a lot like the beginning of pregnancy, with the added feeling of just getting off a carnival ride and consuming cotton candy. I try to eat, to curb the nausea, that helps a little. The last 2 nights we had food brought to us by hockey families, Holly Davis and the Maulers. Thank you so much for your kindness. I have received so many cards in the mail and I am very thankful for everyone's thoughts and prayers. Today, Diane Blades will be having surgery to remove her cancer in her breast. Her daughter, Alisha, has swam for me for 1 1/2 years and we have grown close to the family, and I keep thinking about her today as she anticipates the 10:45 surgery and recovery. It helps to have a friend going through it at the same time. I will be going to radiation again today. I have a standing appointment Monday - Friday at 10:30 at North Memorial. Today Anita will be bringing me, not that I can't drive, just that we planned a little fun after. We will be going over to Terri's house to paint our nails and toenails. I have to leave early so I can come home to get the kids. Shane has a meet at the U of M today and tomorrow, Caley swims Sat & Sun morning. Sunday afternoon will be a big day, I get my chemo bag off and I take Shane and Caley to Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter for a swim camp until Friday.

June 15th: I can't believe what a "supermom" I thought I could be. I guess I learned a lesson to not predict your day. Friday did not go as I expected. Neither did the weekend. I made it as far as the swim meet at the U of M. At least I had a great friend (angel) with me that said she would drive to the meet so I could take an anti-nausea med. Anita Bronson drove Shane and I down, and almost straight back. I made it for about 20 minutes and then went on the longest drive of my life, back home. Thankfully I had a bag in the car if you know what I mean. I treated myself like I had the flu. At 1:00 AM Sat morning the "flu" turned a little serious and it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I tried to puke it off, but it was getting worse. We went to the ER at the local hospital. I don't even want to describe the entire night, just to say I can't remember much between then and sometime on Saturday when my mom was holding me after I wrenched my guts out. I thought at that point how this diagnosis isn't about me, it effects so many others. I can't imagine watching one of my kids go through it at any age. Thank you mom for being there at that moment to rub my forehead and tell me it will be all right. I stayed in the hospital until Monday at 4:00. I was given a 2 hour pass to go to radiation so I didn't miss one. Thank you to those who visited me and prayed with me. I do feel better today, just not 80% yet. I am off to radiation at 10:30, and yes, someone is driving me.

June 16th: Is June 1/2 over already? I am feeling even better today. My biggest complaint is the nausea feeling. What is so bad about it is there is nothing to relieve it. A burp every once and a while is some relief, but if I could throw up, that would do the trick. I haven't had any solid food yet. Kathy Theising is coming from Coon Rapids to take me to radiation, not that I can't drive myself, I just like the company. I get blood work taken today to monitor the effects of chemo. I will get the results tomorrow to report. Shane and Caley are having a lot of fun at camp. I think every kid should go off to camp after the age of 10. They learn so much about themselves and to be independent. We have a family plan with Shanes' and my cell phone so we can talk as often as possible. I changed my radiation on Friday so I will be able to go to St. Peter to pick them up with Chrysanne Carriveau. Colton went to a boy/girl party last night. As he was driving to the party (late, because we forgot about it) he announced to Mike that he forgot to put on deodorant. After a few words from dad like "Colton!" Colton responded with "that's OK, I'll just go stand by the fire and get the smell of smoke on me, no one will notice." Don't ya just love that kid? He has his first golf league day today. I am looking forward to starting another day, everyone enjoy theirs and hug your kids.

June 17th: Oh the mouth sores! Wow, these side effects just keep coming. It is said to be like a hand, foot and mouth disease, and that is what it is. My feet are hot and feel rubbery, the sores run from in my nose and down my throat. I feel achy and a little sick today. I have a doctors appointment after radiation today. Might be a good napping day. I was able to start reading last night, so now I have something to do to pass the time. I was going to attempt to go to practice this morning, but that would have been over the limit (I can't believe I said that, must be another side effect).

June 18th: The mouth sores are still my main complaint. I also have a sore throat. My blood work came back yesterday, the numbers they watch are low. I need to stay away from crowds and sick people. If I bump myself, I will bruise right away, because the platelets are low. I changed the radiation appointment for early a.m. so I can be at the swim camp for the mini-meet and then bring the kids home. I am looking forward to the weekend off from treatments of any kind.

June 19th: Ladies, just imagine your worse yeast infection. That is the only way I can describe the effect I am having from the radiation. I still have a sore throat and had a fever last night. It is really nice to not go to radiation today. We spent this gorgeous sunny morning in Elk River watching Shane in a tennis tournament. It was actually relaxing sitting in a lawn chair with a flannel blanket up to my ears because it feels like a fall day out. I was up at 5:00 am and took a nap at 7:30. Feels like the day should be almost done and it is only noon.I wish I had a little more energy to get something done on a non-rainy Saturday. Perhaps a rest, and then I will get inspired.

June 21st: The first day of summer!! Kinda cool but it still summer. It's also Uncle Tim's birthday!! Happy B'day Tim from your bro!! This is my first time updating the web site. This has been a very emotional time for the family. To see your best friend and beautiful bride sitting there telling her she has cancer was the worst thing that you can imagine. So many thoughts and dreams rushing through my head. Then to see her lying in the hospital ER room getting poked 8 times in one arm to try and get an IV in. I wanted to strangle the doc. Can't you see she's in extreme pain!! She made it through that weekend :) tough woman!! I love her dearly.....
She is now starting to have the side effects from the radiation. I believe the nurse at the ER room said it will be like wearing bob wire for underwear!! She is very uncomfortable. Well I need to go and bring Caley's friend back home and get some Imodium AD. Thanks for all the continued support and prayers!!!

June 24th: I was out of it on Monday, so Mike filled in as web master. I think it was because of the radiation after a 2 day break. I was wiped out. Then on Tues. & wed I felt so good, I just kept going and going. I did 2 practices on Tues. for the first time, and felt great. Wed was a good day also. I had two doctors appointments at North, one at 10:45 after treatment and one at 3:30. I filled the in-between time with a lunch date with my mom and sister. My blood work came back not so good. The white blood cells are really low. 4.4 & higher is good, mine is 1.3. So I have to do it again tomorrow to see if they are up. The radiation side effects are so hard to deal with. I have sworn off peeing. I honestly have never felt pain like this before. It is like having an open wound and pouring alcohol all over it. I am trying a new pain medicine and another med to numb the urine. I am speechless when it comes to these dinners we have been receiving from the hockey families. They are delicious and I can tell they are family favorites that mom would make. Thank you, thank you.

June 29th: Has it really been that long since I typed anything? WOW, sorry. The energy level just isn't there and it is very frustrating because it is getting to the point that whatever I pick up, I drop, I can't type like I use to, my mind is in space half the time, and I still can't believe all this is happening to me. My blood work on Friday came back worse than before. My immune system should not even be working. The lowest number for a chemo patient for the grains in their white blood cells should be 1200, mine on wed were 700 and on Friday were 300. I slept most of the weekend and stayed away from public places. I feel drained and at the verge of being sick constantly. Mikes sister, Michelle and daughter Ashley, came up yesterday and stayed the night. Michelle dusted and ironed and watered all the outside plants. Ashley made Caleys day by spending time with her. We have continued to get so many cards of encouragement and prayers. Thank you everyone. The hockey team finished up the delivered meals on Friday, thank you to you wonderful people. Now the swim club parents are delivering the evening meals. This helps in so many ways, the kids get a meal, and I know I wouldn't be eating if I had to cook for myself. The side effects from the radiation are getting worse, there was no words of encouragement today from the technician when she said they won't go away until all the treatments are done. I was given another ointment to combat the burn and pain, but it doesn't work. Every time I pee it feels like the urine is made of glass and fire. I am trying to keep it PG rated. I have completed 15 treatments, 17 to go. A week from tomorrow, I start chemo again. Maybe I should get an anxiety drug now to help. I can't even look to the bright side of a week from Sunday being done with chemo and getting the PICC line out, because I am so uptight about the chemo itself. Tomorrow is blood work day again,wish me luck, if it isn't good, they will prolong the chemo until I am better. This is not an option.

July 1: I am probably the only one that is excited that June is over. Yesterday was a long one. I did practice in the morning, had a Raki massage from Terri Rohling, she put me right to sleep, and then we had a swim meet in Buffalo. We had 43 swimmers there, it was so fun to see the first-time swimmers. The meet didn't get over until after 9:00. I was very tired. I got more bad news about the damn blood work. Although the white blood cells are up to 1.9, the ratio deal is real low and my platelets that were low last week at 70 are now to 30. I have to get it rechecked again tomorrow. If the numbers don't start to climb, they won't do chemo on Wed. This would not be good for my mental healing, in fact it would be the worse, now that I am prepared to start on Wed and get it over with. I did practice this morning, but I am going to take a nap all day, and double up on the pain medication so I can sleep all night. Everyone keeps telling me how good I look and I don't look sick, well this is how I hid my sickness for so long. It does help to get up and showered every day and to continue coaching as much as possible. I do have a feeling the numbers for my blood work will be much better tomorrow.

July 2: Could it get any worse? Actually it was one of those good news/bad news days. I had blood work again today and my counts are up to a normal chemo person, which means the white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets are still below normal, but up enough to start the chemo on Wed. The bad news are those three letters every women hates to hear... UTI, which stands for urinary tract infection. So when I was saying it burns when I pee, it is from the open wounds from the radiation, but it is double trouble because of the infection. At least I get another pill to pop, and a three day weekend to heal. 4th of July holiday, God Bless America!

July 7: Well, today is the day. For the next 96 hours beginning about 1:00, I will be at the mercy of the chemo baby hooked to my waist. To say I am apprehensive is an understatement. It is a game I play with myself, the more I dread something, or look at in the worse way, the better the outcome. Because it can only be better than I imagined. Who said I need therapy? My girlfriend, Caley's godmother, and her daughter Anna, are coming to stay with us until Friday. Shelly will be holding my hand throughout today at the hospital. The radiation is now doing its job on the inside of my body. The radiating field is shrinking so they are concentrating on just the tumor now. It feels so antsy inside and terribly uncomfortable. I didn't think I could top the Urinary Tract Infection, but it seems I have. In a cruel sort of humor and irony, I now have a hemorrhoid. So the image of pooping bob wire is still there with a new sensation to heighten the awareness, and then I get to wipe with sand paper, the real gritty kind. I am beginning to get a little upset with it all and feel like I am losing control. I know there is no going back, but further, immediate further, doesn't look that appealing. I can't express how much the delivered meals mean to me and the family. It is so much a part of my feeling better. Everyday I look forward to the surprise of not only what is for dinner, but most importantly who is bringing it. I look forward to the brief visit and am amazed at everyone's generosity. Not only did the cook and deliver, everyone always says, "if there is anything I can do, please ask" Amazing. I owe so many thank you letters at this point! THANK YOU. Wish me luck this day and the next 4.

July 8: I pulled my PICC line out of my body sometime between 3:45 - 4:30 AM. I will have to go to the hospital to get another one inserted and put back on chemo. Oh, and my grandma died yesterday.

July 13: There is a void in entry's for a reason. I am/have been sick. Thursday, July 9, they put in a new PICC line in my bicep of the same arm, a little painful, but a lot easier than the first time. Chemo was restarted at 1:00 so I missed about 9 hours. Thought I could make that up and have the line pulled at 10:00 Sunday night. Celebrations are few these days. I wasn't even able to rejoice over having my PICC line pulled. On Friday afternoon, after a long nap, I started feeling the tightness in my chest again. I used my ability to zone it out that I learned from competitive swimming. I thought, a little food, a little bath, watch the Olympic trials and an early bed time will be the ticket. Everything came true except the early bed time. The pain in the chest was too bad and the diarrhea wouldn't let up. Mikes sister was staying with me for the weekend, because Mike, Caley and Shane were in Milwaukee for a swim meet that I insisted they go to. Michelle drove me (80 MPH!) to North Memorial. It was a long ride. I was met by my mom and dad at the ER, followed by my sister Kari and Mikes dad, Roy. I was admitted to ER and they did and EKG and tried to stop the pain with morphine. I now know I am allergic to Morphine. Then came the Benedryl to stop the hives. I had a CT scan done of the chest which required a new iv line, different than the one I already had in my hand and was finally put in a room around 1:00 AM. Around 2:00, my mom left my room to go stay in the family lounge for the night. The nurse tried to put medicine in the iv lines, but both had clogged up. So, at 2:30 I had another IV line put in my forearm. Trust me, these do not go in my veins easily. Next I threw up, and continued until morning. The doctor came to see me around 9:00 am and examined me and left the room. He came back in about 10 minutes later and said he is insisting that we stop the chemo! It appears from the CT scan that he looked at and further research he just did, that the fluid around my heart, which is causing the pressure, is coming from the 5 fu (chemo). So in order to save my life, the chemo had to be stopped immediately. I couldn't even question him, I wanted to have Mike talk to him, but he put his foot down, the chemo must stop. He prescribed celebrex by mouth. I needed to keep the celebrex in my stomach for 20 min. at least, remember I am heaving a lot. It stayed in 1 hour, and then my toenails came up! Body and soul went in to the 10 minute wrenching. I was exhausted so the doctor gave me phenegren by IV for pain and nausea. I wanted to walk a bit, so my mom took me a few feet down the hall. The hospital corridor looked like a Stephen King horror movie, it was spinning and slightly leaning to the left. Quickly back to my room, my legs started spazing and would not stop. It was the worse feeling to not have control. It was almost an out of body experience watching my legs quiver. A resident doctor came in, boy did I spoof her. She was clueless, I had no reflexes and my legs were cramping and shaking. She asked me if I was allergic to phenegren, I said I never had it before, so she gave me a shot of Benedryl (again) and about 30 minutes, I was asleep. So, next time a doctor/nurse asks if you are allergic to any medicines, say "not that I am aware of". Because if your not use to getting medicine, how do you know until they are tried. So now I have a family of medicines I am allergic to. We thought we were out of the woods. Then my mom noticed a red streak going up my arm from the IV line. Under the tape holding down the line is a big sweltering bruise which turned the vein red up to under my arm pit. Fibermalgia or something like that they called it. A couple of iv leaders came to look at it and I had to keep a heating pad on it for the next 24 hours. I am left with purple, green and black bruises on my forearm and the vein going under my arm pit is as green as pea soup. I wanted desperately to leave the hospital on Sunday, but wanted to wait until I ate something first. I had chicken noodle soup and mashed potatoes. They stayed in me about 20 minutes and out the bottom end they came, and came, and came. ENOUGH ALREADY! My parents took me home (even though I left most of my insides back in the bathroom) and Michelle and Tim (Mikes brother), had completely cleaned the house and mowed the lawn. Truth be told, they also sat by the pool for awhile, how could they when I was suffering so? Michelle and I watched Calendar Girls until the gang came home about 9:30. They had so many stories to tell and so much fun written on their faces, it was worth not having my buddy with me to comfort me, because their enthusiasm toward each other was priceless. Caley won the meet out of all the 10 & under girls and Shane had some good times also. Yesterday, July 12, was a bit of a setback. I wasn't feeling good at all, and the radiation clinic called to change my time of treatment because the machine broke, well they called a few hours later to say, it won't be working all day. Damn. I want the machine to work, of course, but why can't it break down in 2 weeks when I am done. It may have been a blessing because it gave me one extra day to heal. I am not sure I can put to words the amount of pain and discomfort I am in because of radiation. It would be x rated if I told you the details of my pain, but let me just say, you use your pelvic region for more things than you think. And being out of commission in that region affects other regions. I am back on antibiotic for a urinary tract infection, but the meds aren't doing the trick like last week. Which means the burns are internal as well as external. If I complain, they will make me rest a week, which means treatment will be extended a week which means I need to suffer like only one other person I know who suffered immense pain (not to say they are equal, but just calling on Jesus to say I can relate in a way, so could He please help out). Today was treatment #23, 8 more to go. I am going to take a nap, because I didn't get much sleep last night (3 hours) and I coached this morning for perhaps the last time this season :(

July 14: The sun is setting on yet another day. Every time I see it, I see the light as the end of the tunnel. Another day closer to healing. I had blood work done today. Nothing good to talk about there, except the platelets weren't all that bad. The white blood cells are 2.0 when they should be 4.2-10.0. The hemoglobin is as low as it has been, 10.9 when range is 12.0-16.0. Still, all this is OK because that is what chemo does to the body. The radiologist wanted to stop my radiation until mid next week because of the open wounds from end-to-end. The answer was no from me. If I keep at it, I will be done next Friday and then I will have 12 days to heal before I have to sit in a car for 10 hours to Topeka, KS. My mom and dad will be going too. I am so looking forward to it. I want to thank everyone for their caring about me. It really warms my heart how much love I get from close friends to friends-of-friends. The meals have been terrific, the flowers, the pajamas, the visits, the rides, the house cleaning etc. 24 treatments done, 7 to go!

July 15: Just a normal day. Treatment went well. Bill Caldwell from church brought me down to North Memorial so it was a great time to catch up. There is an overwhelming feeling of being tired. Not sleepy, but exhausted. I want to do so much, but have no energy. It is hard to focus with my eyes, which makes reading difficult, but when I can't fall back to sleep, I read another chapter of The Wedding, by Nicholas Sparks (the same author as the Notebook). That makes me drowsy, but it is a good book. I just read last night on the book jacket that he is married, so now I appreciate his books even more. By the looks of him I thought he fancied men and just put women's names to his fantasy, so it made it difficult to relate to the romance part of the book. Not that I am biased. Just if you're an apple, call yourself an apple. Which is what I found out he is, not just a fruit. My brother came to see me for the first time since May, it was great to see him. He brought up Famous Daves for lunch. I didn't know he was coming and I already had plans with our old neighbor (as in past tense, not as in years) Kathy Thesing to visit and she brought lunch too. So it wasn't a long visit with my brother, but hopefully he will come back again soon. Kathy and her daughter Alysha stayed for a little while, and the girls were able to swim a bit. Doesn't seem like the pool is getting used that much this year, like to see it when it does. The rest of the day consisted of napping and reading. We had enough Famous Daves for dinner as well.

July 18: I feel so much better than last Sunday, that's for sure. I am just a little sick now, and very tired. Yesterday I slept until 10:15 in the morning. For those of you who know my sleep pattern, this is unlike me. I even took a nap in the afternoon and basically laid in bed the whole day. I finished reading The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks. I recommend reading the Notebook first so you get a better description of the house. I am amazed at the number of people who read this web site! I made a speech last October at my 40th birthday and thanked everyone for coming DA-d-DA, and I made the comment that everyone there is realistically the ones that will be at my funeral, so get to know everyone so my funeral will be a party. I think I need to readjust the invite list. I have been in contact with so many friends and family members from my past that will be added to my party list. I hope all those that are thinking of me during this, will think of me during the healthy times and we can get together and celebrate life. Now, don't get all weird on me. No I am not thinking in the lines of planning my funeral (although all good financial planners say this should already have been thought out by everyone). I have a "one-hander" left of treatments, and then let the healing begin. The charcoal skin from the radiation is now pealing off. It is not just a layer of skin being pealed as in a sunburn, but it is down to the pink skin that constantly oozes. I am on a stronger pain medicine to help deal with it. But it takes away my independence of driving. It is hard to concentrate and hard to type (the backspace button is the most used key on the computer). Cheers to my last week of radiation!

July 19: What a gorgeous morning to wake up to, my last Monday of treatment. It was nice to have 2 days off from radiation, but I think the molecules get stronger throughout the weekend, because every Sunday night, it seems to be the worst. I will have to ask the doc if this is true or not. Baths are not given relief anymore because of the raw skin. Hopefully at the end of the week I can get some salve to put on to help the healing process and make it so I don't get any scars. Mike and Colton went to Eric Clapton concert last night. Colton's first concert. Mike said it was the best concert he has been to. Caley HAD to have fudge yesterday so we went to St. Cloud to Scheels to get her some mint fudge (Mike bought me some ameratto fudge). Shane and his buddy rode their bikes to town to McDonalds for a hamburger and shake, an hour before we ate supper. These are the little things in life that make memories. After thinking about these incidents my children went thru on a Sunday in July, I went to bed with a smile on my face. Oh, and to top it off, Shane, Caley and myself watched Caddyshack before bed. It was their first time seeing it (I closed Caleys eyes on a few parts). What a lucky mother/wife I am. I am off to my treatment with my escorts: Barb and Roy Oquist.

July 19th part two: At about 2:00 PM Heidi's not feeling well and takes a nap. At 5:00 PM or so she takes her temp and it is at 102.5 (this is bad) she takes it again as she does not believe what she is seeing. Heidi's temp normally is 97 degrees or so. If she is not seen immediately, well she has no immune system .......
Anita is phoned and she takes her to Monticello Big lake hospital and they tell her to go to North Memorial ASAP. She is admitted and starts on antibiotics. That's where I (Mike) come in. I get a call at 9:30 PM from Anita telling me all this. I was up at Cragguns in Brained, MN at a National Sales outing for my company. There wasn't anything that I could do last night as the kids were being cared for by Papa and Anita slept overnight at the hospital with Heidi (thanks again for all the support)!!!

July 20: Myself and GG drove home from our outings early in the morning. I went to the hospital to relieve Anita and GG came to our house to relieve Papa. I spent the day with Heidi where things were getting better with her temperature and blood work, but not the pain!!! She is staying another night due to the pain from the radiation. 29 days of third degree sun burn each day!!!! GG went there at 7:00pm to be with her and I went home with the boys. Our prayers are with Papa tomorrow as there will be a grave side service for his Mother (Heidi's Grandmother) in Austin Minnesota, as she passed away last week in Colorado .
I love you Heidi you are my hero!! Good night to you all!

July 22: What a difference a day makes. I feel so much better today. The nurses took real good care of me in the hospital. I guess taking pain pills on a regular basis is the trick. I was playing the mortar by not taking the pain pills as prescribed, because I felt if I can hold off as long as possible without the drugs it would make me stronger. This is true in some cases, but not when your white blood cells are down to 1.1 and the hemoglobin goes to 8.7. Medical terms a few of you may know. The pain pills help me relax and sleep through the pain. The down side is I sleep in intervals. Down for 1 1/2 hours, up for a while, back down again, and up. I am so grateful for Anita, my mom, my sister, and Mike for staying with me in the hospital. It is not a lot of fun sitting in a square room (at least this time it was a private room) while I am in and out of reality, yet you guys did just that. And for Mike to sit still for the entire afternoon was remarkable. We even snuggled in the hospital bed. He slept, I laid next to him and enjoyed the moment. A riddle: What does the 1960's, the toddler "terrible-twos" syndrome and my radiation have in common? They all represent how many radiation treatments I have left. (Hint, the peace sign for the sixties)

July 23: I AM DONE WITH THE TREATMENTS! Unreal, I made it! And even with the 3 hospitalizations, I never missed a session of radiation! All that can be done is now done. I can't guess at the outcome or even think about it either way. I have done all that I could and so have the doctors, so until I am rechecked there is no reason to think any differently than living each and every day to the fullest. The radiation continues its job for 2 more weeks inside me, and then I will begin the healing process. I have already started healing in the areas that haven't been radiated on for the past two weeks. I should begin to get more energy in about a week. In about 6 weeks I go back to Dr. Maddoff, the surgeon I saw on May 26th, and he will check out the success of the treatments. So I have about 6 weeks to not think about this and concentrate on other things that I have missed out on. I am already missing out on Shanes qualifying meet this weekend in Rochester. Mike will go down on Sunday. Shane is staying with Coach Alex and Coach Dan for the meet. Next weekend is the state meet at the U of M which Caley and Shane will be participating in. Then we leave for Kansas! After radiation today, Mike and I went out to lunch in Excelsior and had ice cream down by Lake Minnetonka. I just love that man. He took the day off of work, because he said, we started this thing together, we will end it together. SO sweet. All of you are. I thank every single one of you reading my personal history with cancer. I admit I am surprised at all the support and love I have received and my family. It gives me strength to know so many people care. One of the many cards I received in the mail sums up what you all have said, "If we could make this all go away, we would... but the best we can do is offer all our prayers, faith, and support, and promise that you're not going through it alone." Thank you Uncle Dick for that special card, and to all who have sent cards and e-mails and phone conversations with those same words. Today is the last day of suppers delivered. I cannot even say how much this has meant to me. Having dinner prepared every night for the past 6 weeks has been an eye-opener on how such little things can mean so much. Part of the reason my family survived this far is because of all the nutritious and delicious meals brought to our house prepared with love. They all were great, and it would be fun to make a cookbook of all the dishes sent, but that was kind of an afterthought. But, there was one real easy, real good dessert I must get the recipe for and share it with all of you. So, Brenda Carlson, if you read this, please E-mail me the recipe for your incredible dessert pie you made for us yesterday, along with all the rest of the food you cooked up and I can pass it along. I will continue to update the web site, because Uncle Tim said some people at his work are hooked on it like a reality soap opera. Once I am healed in the pelvic region, I can include all the smut of a soap opera also (JK mom). So keep reading to find out the outcome, and keep praying! I love you all for being part of my life.

July 29: I have been meaning to update everyday, but I am so exhausted when I get a free moment, I lay down. I admit I am getting a little sick of Trading Spaces and While You Were Out. But, there is nothing better on t.v. I am still taking pain medicine so it is hard to concentrate on a book. I am trying to slowly get off the need for medicine, but when it comes down to it, I give in and pop a pill and say to myself that I will wait longer next time. I am so glad I didn't take the radiologists advice to take a week off to heal a bit before finishing my last week of radiation, because to be honest, I am the sorest I have ever been, and if I took a week off, I would have been sore that whole week also and just prolonged the healing. The burn is all over the pelvic region and about 2 inches down my leg, if I could lay naked in bed all day and not have to go to the bathroom, I would heal faster, but that is not possible, because I am not a lay in bed naked kind of person. I lied when I said my last practice was about 2 weeks ago. I have been going every day. Today was the last day of regular practice. The state meet begins today- Sunday and then we have 3 practices with Caley and Alisha who will be going on to Zones in Kansas. Shane swims this evening down at the U of M. He will be swimming the 800 free. I am excited for our team, because they all looked great in practice today. Yesterday, I had my doubts, but today they all put it together, and hopefully it will carry over for the rest of the weekend. I am a little nervous about going to the meet today. It will be my first time back on deck. I am excited to see all the other coaches I normally see on a weekly basis. I had blood work done yesterday and my counts are looking good. Everything is still below normal, but rising. My hemoglobin is 10.0 so that explains why I am so tired. It feels good not to have to make that drive to North Memorial everyday now. It is all a blur that I even did it for the past 2 months. Needless to say, even though the nurses and doctors and technicians are so nice, I don't miss them. As I was leaving my last day, I heard Mindy, the radiologist nurse, on the phone consoling a patient on the balancing act of Immodium AD and constipation from the pain pills. Seems like forever ago I was on the other end of the phone. Now I feel I could answer the phone and give out advice. Even though Mindy probably answers the same questions 10 times a day, she is always so patient and kind. Mike used the word compassionate when describing Mindys unique quality. That is so important in this line of work, because not all health care workers are like that, unfortunately. By this time next week, I should be feeling a lot better. Mindy said I will continue to bake for 2 weeks after the last session. This I can contest to. I feel like I am still going through treatment on a daily basis, but am looking forward to getting rid of this feeling, and it will happen by next week. We leave for Kansas on Wed. I am so excited!!!!! I will know this weekend how many swimmers I will be coaching. I will make a point of getting on the computer on a daily basis. I am overwhelmed with the e-mails I am getting. Some out of the blue from some very important people in my past. Thank you for staying special to me, and letting me know that I am special to you too. See you tomorrow!
Aug. 3: SO SORRY, I thought about writing in the web site everyday, but other things got in the way. My full attention was the state swim meet. The team did OK, the little girls did real well. The relay team placed 2nd, which was a lot of fun cheering them on. Caley placed 1st in 5 events and 2nd in 2 and 3rd in one event. She won the meets high point for 10 & under girls. We leave tomorrow for Topeka, Kansas for the Central Zones championship meet. Caley is seeded in the final heat in her events, so a little competition for the little squirt. She does shine brightest when the competition is intense. I can tell she is thinking about all her races, she is a bit more quiet than normal, which means she still is talkative, but a little more reserved. I had blood work today. The hemoglobin is up to 11.0, but the red blood cells and white blood cell counts were lower than last week. I admit I did a little too much this weekend, but in the end, it was worth a little pain on my part to see my baby win the state meet. I have doctors appointments on Tues. next week and then no more blood work or anything until the end of the month when I have a biopsy. I am real tired now and have a lot to do to get ready, but that will have to wait until tomorrow. I need to get Derby to the vet to get his shots up to date and then bring him to the kennel for the weekend. It is 7:30 and I may call it a night, goodnight.
Aug. 5: Hi from Topeka! Mike, the computer wizard, set it up so we have computer access. So for the next few days, it may be all about Caley. We are here in Kansas for the swim meet with 8 other regions. Oklahoma, Wisconsin, Ozarks, Missouri Valley, North Dakota, South Dakota, Arkansas and Minnesota. We got in about 1:30 in the morning. Unfortunately, we got a King bed smoking room. Humorous! We had a blowup mattress with us, they gave us a cot an and Mike, Caley and Myself slept in the big bed. It was for a few hours. This morning, we moved to a double queen room with the cot and the blow up matters. So everyone gets there own bed for the next four nights. Today is registration, team pictures and team dinner. Nothing for the boys to do, so they will make due by driving the hour to Kansas City for some BBQ and the Royals game. Whose weekend is this anyway?

Aug. 8: 4:19 AM. What an age we live in. I have not slept but an hour tonight, so I finally got up after listening to the sleeping patterns of my 4 beloved family members. Oh the noises their bodies can make. So now I sit in the bathroom playing on the computer. I have figured out the meet in as many ways as possible, but unless there is a miracle, Caley will not be in the running for high point. She had a few fabulous races, but that took so much out of her, she was unable to perform in the other races. She had a real fun race in the 200 IM on Sat. She was seeded 4th going in to the meet, and she clawed her way to a 2nd place finish. The relay was at the end of the session. Oh we had fun. We were seeded 3rd, and we were in 3rd or 4th going into Caleys turn in the water., and she sailed in to first place and the relay team got a gold medal! Today's relay should be just as fun, but we should win by a bigger margin than a few tenths of a second. Caley will be anchoring that relay as well. The boys haven't missed a day of BBQ. Even though we went out for Chinese (Caleys choice) tonight, Mike and Shane went to a BBQ pit after dropping us off at the hotel and brought back a rack of ribs. Caley ate the most though. Friday night we went to the Amirillo restaurant in front of the hotel. I won the best food award. I had a K.C. strip and it was possibly the best steak I have ever eaten. It feels so good to be down here. I have, at times, totally forgotten I am a cancer patient. Nothing shows on the outside with this deal, so I get wrapped up in the meet and enjoy the show. I do pay for it at night, but no where near like a few weeks ago. My complaints are a few lumps in the groin area and my left arm where the IV was in the last time I was in the hospital. It is real sore to the touch and still black-n-blue. I have a DR appointment on Wed, so I will not worry about the ailments until then. I can't stand the itches I get from the pain pills. That is why I am not asleep yet. The day consists of the meet at 12:00 and then a little celebration to the fact I completed my goal of a 3 day meet of intense competition. We will be going home on Monday.

Aug. 8: The disadvantage of not keeping up to date, is there is so much that went on in between, that I forget about it, or it becomes unimportant. Lets see: Kansas was well worth the pain and suffering the two months before. What I didn't take into consideration was the pain and suffering during and after. I admit, much to the shock of many, I may have pushed it a bit too hard over the weekend. Yes, I am human and not as strong as most think. I felt like I had jet-lagg Tues. and wed after the trip. I so badly want to be off the pain medication, but then weekends like the last one come, and I can't function without a little help from the white pills. Caley ended up doing real well the last day of the meet. She swam an unreal 200 free. Even though she placed 3rd in the event, she will end up 11th in the nation because her time was so unbelievably fast! She swam 9 seconds faster than she did the weekend before at the state meet. She was in first place most of the race, and it came down to the touch at the wall. First place was 2:26.54, second was 2:26.74 and Caley was 2:26.76. That is amazing in that long of a race. I am so proud of her and all her accomplishments over the summer. Now that my goal is complete, it will be difficult to stay focused on something besides my health. I feel like I have the flu. I was at the Dr., on wed. My red blood cells, white blood cells and hemoglobin are all still low. That is why I feel sick. It doesn't help to have the blues as well. Swimming is over, summer is almost over, I don't have the energy to entertain the kids on their last few weeks of summer. I am taking them up to the Oquists cabin next week and they can find outdoors things to do to keep them occupied. It won't be the same as hanging out at some cool water park with a bunch of kids their same age, but too bad. Every year I take a few days with them and enjoy the lake during the week (no water traffic). This year, Barb and Roy offered the cabin for the weekend as well. So I will read a few books, take a few naps and watch my children find stuff to do. The swimming community was so gracious to me this past weekend. Everyone was told of my situation and I explained to the 12 & unders how much work I had put into my training to get to zones as well. The kids handled it so well, and the parents were so nice and encouraging. I have since received so many well-wishes. I have been asked to put my address on the web site, so that is why I have it on the contact page, because we are unlisted in the phone book. The team managers bought 2 boxes of Lance Armstrongs wrist bands and handed them out to everyone on the team in support of me. One sweet girl wrote my name on hers with a heart by it. The team also purchased a shirt from the meet and everyone who could, signed their name on the back. It is in the picture with Caley and me and her medals and all the caps she got at the meet. She meet so many friends at the meet, they gave her a swim cap at the end of the meet on Sunday, and she traded one also. Please don't stop the helpful e-mails even though swimming is done for awhile. I am going to enjoy the opening ceremonies for the Olympics tonight. I did a swim camp in May at the U of M and my roommate for the weekend was Rachel Kamisarik (SP?). She will be swimming the 100 fly I believe on Sat. I wish her, and all the other athletes, the best of luck.

Aug 16th: I had an Echo Cardiogram done today because of the fluid around my heart. I don't know anything today except that the fluid is still there. I don't know how much compared to a month ago. A cardiologist will read it and then my doctor will call me in a few days with the results. I know it isn't that bad, because I was able to go home afterwards. I am busy packing for a few days of R&R. I am borderline exhausted, but I will have the rest of the week to do nothing. We are pretty much prepared for school. Of course Colton and Caley don't think they have enough clothes yet. I always take the kids school shopping one kid at a time and take them to lunch also. I attempted this with my oldest yesterday. Shopping to a 15 year old boy is not an enjoyable experience. We drove to St. Cloud, (30 minute drive) and I had to wake him up twice during the drive! Once was during a conversation I guess I was having with myself. I turned to get a response and he was drooling down the window. We made it to one store and he grabbed 3 pairs of jeans and said "let's go". AAAAGGH. I pressed him to try them on and good thing I did, two of them didn't fit. We proceeded to find a few Khakis as well, much to his chagrin. I pushed it a bit too far when I brought him to the shoe department. We were done in a matter of 1 hour. That is a record for me, considering we did get quit a bit (I can never just look). It was much better when it came time for lunch. We went to Chipoltes (Shane loves Mexican food) and then to top off the tummies, we went to Cold Stone. That was my first experience of going into the store. I am not a big ice cream person, but I can see how come it is such a big hit. On the way home I made the comment to Shane that I don't fit into my jeans anymore after eating so much and I was so proud of myself for fitting into 2 sizes below what I wore pre-cancer. Shane said, "you still have the jeans from that long ago?" I explained to him that is the reason there is a back of the closet, for all the clothes we ladies will fit into "some day". Now I have to exercise to get back into them.

Aug 22: The vacation is over, and it was good. I took the kids up to Mike's parents cabin about an hour west of here. This was our 6th year of doing this, and it just keeps getting better every year. It was real windy during the day, so fishing was out of the question. Until evening came. From 6:00 on was a gorgeous, sunny, preparation for the sunset. The boys took the canoe around the lake fishing. It appears the fish don't like the change in the weather either. That's OK, we had to eat out one night due to lack of fish to eat. Mike joined us for the weekend. It was so relaxing. Caley learned how to cross-stitch, and latch hook a rug. The boys played a lot of game boy. I read a book and I couldn't resist helping out on the latch hook rug. While I was up at the cabin, I heard back from the results of the echo cardiogram I had on Monday. I still have fluid around my heart, but it isn't enough to require any further procedures. That was about all that was said. This week has a lot to offer, Colton turns 13 on Wednesday, so we have birthday celebrations. The kids all have open houses for their school, and I have my biopsy. There is a cloud following me, yet I have so much to enjoy.

Aug. 25: For those of who know me best, know I am not too deep in emotion. But I am covered in sentiment today. This is the first emotional hurdle I have had to deal with when it comes to events that put your life into perspective. Today is Colton's 13th birthday. He is a teenager, yet still my baby. When he went to bed last night, he made the statement that he will now have to have a lot more responsibilities, and he still wants to be my little boy. The young man with the chunky hands and red cheeks is waking up this morning with a new since of life in him. We are always told to grasp each moment at hand. Birthdays only come once a year, and we always assume we will be there for each one. I am up early this special day to enjoy the quiet of the morning with the family still sleeping. I am then going to slip out when Maus Foods opens up so I can go buy Colton's favorite donut, the Bear Claw. Since this update web site has now served as my journal to look back on, I want to put in a few things that are my own, and yet share them with everyone reading. Colton shared with me a dream he had when we were at the cabin. It involved school so he considered it a nightmare. He dreamt we were school shopping with Karen and Ben Brion and we were panicking because we couldn't find Colton a backpack (he didn't have one yet for real) and we were shopping all around and then soon they couldn't find me and Karen was helping him pick out the backpack instead. Colton could tell while he was telling me the dream that I started to read too much into the interpretation of his dream, so he quickly changed the ending to that they found me and found a backpack. I could tell it wasn't the way it went and he didn't mean to put those thoughts into my head. Maybe I have been "gone" during this important prep time of back to school and I need to be more aware of their emotions of the milestones in their lives. This brings me back to the birthday. I need to go to the store and buy him his goodies, maybe they have a Power Ranger balloon I can buy for him also.

Aug. 27: I just had the swim race of a lifetime. Most of you know I was a swimmer in my younger years, and I approached this journey as a swim season. I had my preseason of doctors appointments. I had my workout season of radiation's and chemos. I had my "bump week" of hospital stays. I had my taper week of a trip to Kansas, and yesterday I went for the gold medal and got it! I saw Dr. Maddoff downtown and upon his examination, the tumor is gone! He saw no reason to do a biopsy at this time. He is a very good doctor and good at what he does. I trust he knows what he is doing and seeing, rather not seeing. I will go back to see him in 6 weeks when I am a little more healed from the treatments. Mike and I went to the Local restaurant after to meet up with my sister and her husband, Kari and Clyde, and two of our friends who have been through it with us in so many things, Shelly and Jim. My brother and his wife, Don and Elisabeth, and my mom and dad surprised us by coming down there also. It was a festive night with food and beverages. Yes, it is a big relief, and I think I will start to feel so much better each and every day. I felt a good vibe yesterday morning and it was rather easy waiting until the late afternoon appointment because I just knew in my heart that everything is going to be OK. I am so thankful to have so many blessings in my life and so many loving family members and friends. I actually had a great time with all the visits and the overnights and the amazing e-mails I have received from everywhere. Now I will get to answering them. Thank you to everyone for all the things you did to help in my recovery. I truly mean it, Thanks. Even if it is just reading the updates and feeling a little uplifted by my encounter and passing on the positive attitude towards your loved ones. I am not sure why I had to go down this road, but I have a feeling it isn't about me. I may have had to get beat up for others to see what could happen with a good attitude and love. It is so true that in order to love get love, one must love. I love you lots. I am so lucky to have Mike in my life. He makes it easy to get better. My children have been so strong and have learned to love on a whole new level. My extended family have really reached out to me and put their arms around me. My friends have told me they love me. My community fed me when I wasn't hungry. My lord blessed me with an amazing journey. Today is a good day, please enjoy.

Sept. 2: Nice things keep coming out of this thing. Check out the story at montitimes.com and click on "neighbors". The kids are back to the routine. As Mike put it this morning at 6:00 A.M., I don't like this school schedule. It is hard to get use to a time restriction of having to get to the bus on time. Colton starts 7th grade football today. There is 2 teams, heavy weights and light weights. I told Colton there will be a lot of kids on the heavy weight team because the weight limit is 125 pounds. He laughed so hard. He knows the weights more than I, and 125 is heavy for that grade level. I am use to my Bubba at 155. Mike put into perspective though when he said that is about what he weighed when he graduated from high school. I am proud to announce that I slept through the night last night for the first time, and without the help of any medication! OK, so it helped that I was awake since 2:00 AM. the night before, up for 20 1/2 hours before my head hit the pillow. I couldn't sleep so I thought I would read until I was tired, which usually works. When it was 4:10 and I only had a few chapters to go, I decided to see who the killer was. Great book by a mother/daughter team called Monkeewrench. I feel so refreshed and ready to do something. I hope everyone enjoys there long weekend and I hope my friend in Florida and her family stay out of the hurricanes way. We are off to Brained with the Bronson family for some happy times on the water, bike riding, putting puzzles together, and the US open tennis on the TV

Sept. 3: OK, I was wrong. If you read yesterdays comments about Bubba, I was a little off track. He weighed in yesterday at 165. Oh, how I love that kid! We are headed up north in a few minutes. Boy do I need to relax. Health wise, I would be going to the doctor if I was at home, but I am sure he would say I need some rest, so that is what I plan on doing. My chest is tight (don't read into that) and my colon is cramped. I may be a little uptight from all the news in the world. I have been up since 3:00. Just when I was about to go back to bed, the ordeal in Russia was unfolding live on the TV. (I watch a lot of CNN). It is disturbing and I pray for that country. Florida is also in my thoughts. My college roommate, Mary Kay, and family live there as do their extended families. Mikes grandma also lives on the east coast of Florida. Hold on tight guys. Everyone have a safe and enjoyous long weekend!

Sept. 10: No real reason to write today, there wasn't a Dr. appt. or anything, it's just that I am using this as a reference guide for the future, so I want to write everything down. I have not been feeling great this past week. I feel like I did when I had the chemo in me. I am weak and my joints and bones are achy. My hair is falling out at a faster rate than before. I know, everyone I see says I still have a lot of hair because I started with so much. But it is truly coming out more everyday. I put a call into the oncologist, I will go in next week. I had to take a pain pill last, not that I wanted to, but it helped to get to relax to sleep. What I forgot was, how I react to oxycotin. The itches came on about 2:00 and then I was restless. I can't believe how I use to take those pain pills just to get through the day. Because last night after taking it, I was so out of it. Mike is coming home today after being in Mexico since Tues. for work. He got an early flight home today, instead of tomorrow like he was suppose to. Who could blame him for not wanting to fly, or be in an airport (foreign country) on 9/11.

Septa 13: You know when you drive on the freeway, and the road is bumpy and hard to drive on. Then the highway department comes through and digs up the road for resurfacing, it is a big pain and inconvenience to get through the construction. Once the road work is complete, you are excited about the new and improved road, hoping it will make your ride smoother and more enjoyable. Only when you take the road for a few days, it seems the road is worse than it was before you started complaining? I am that road.

Sept. 22: Happy birthday to my mom. It has been a while since I have written, and boy have I heard about it. You know the saying is "no news is good news"? Well, I am not that way. I like to write about the good news and skip the ickies. I did mention I wasn't feeling well the beginning of Sept. I rested a lot because I wasn't feeling even good, it was just plain bad. I did get blood work done on the 15th and had a consult with another colon specialist. The blood work was a bit on the low side. The WBC were 2.4, back to where I was with the chemo. Everything was low or high, except the Hemoglobin which was 12.0. The nurse wasn't too concerned though because I was complaining I wasn't feeling well when I talked to her the week before so she said I must have a bug of some sort. So I guess my health is going to stay stinky like this until the chemo is out of my body completely. She did say I could still be reacting to all the treatments for up to a year. I met with Dr. Issaak also. He was recommended by the radiologist, Dr. Nisi. He seemed to be a little more caring and thorough than the last dr. He said I still need to heal for another month before we can do anything of certainty. So I am scheduled for a biopsy the end of Oct. Then the real celebration can begin. This past weekend, we spent the time at the North Shore with the Oquist/Zieglers families. It is a traditional vacation. This was my 17th time up there! The kids just have a blast and the time goes by too fast. I was hoping to be invigorated while I was there and hit the hiking trails, but there was no energy. Next year I am hiking everyday I am there. If you have never been to the North Shore (I am not talking about Duluth), it is worth the 4+ hour drive. We went up to Grand Marais first and then down to the Split Rock cabins where we stay. Gorgeous beauty all along the shore. Mike and the boys went on a canoe trip on a lake inland. On their way there, the came upon a moose on the side of the road drinking from the ditch. Mike took pictures. All this and it is right in our state.

Oct. 4th: It has been a long time since I wrote anything. My excuse is that the (portable) lap top computer that I use for this web site is in the 4 season porch off the back of the house. As pretty as it is and warm in the afternoon sun, the box elder bugs have kicked me out of my serenity scene. They have taken over the window sills and they crawl up the chairs and even across the computer. I thought the freeze the other night would have taken them out, but they are back in full force. I will have to get out the vacuum cleaner. Any way, I am still plugging along with the normal goodness of the fall and school events. I am thrilled over Colton's football season. Even though they are 1-2, I just love watching those bad boys hit and hit some more. Colton is playing center on offense and guard on defense (the equivalent of a nose guard for this league). I LOVE football. The big news for Shane is he earned his permit on Thursday. He went from a computer test, to behind the wheel just like that. Talk about a new sense of defensive driving. He is a very good driver, but inexperienced to just let him go on any road. Swimming starts in a week, that will get Shane and Caley going a little more. It has been nice to have dinners together and down time to finish homework and a normal bed time. All will be different next week. Hockey begins this weekend and then swimming practices. I still have a cold. I went in today because of the dizziness that goes along with this cold. Turns out I have fluid behind my ears, that is why I feel I am leaning left all the time. The doc put me on Zyrtec, and it sounds like this will drain my head and throat of all the phlegm. Yahoo! It seems I have more energy and look forward to getting in shape. I have been walking about 3 times a week. Soon I will be able to go do a class at the health club. I look forward to accomplishing that goal. Tomorrow I will drive down to visit my grandmas grave in Austin. I missed the grave site funeral in July. Good night.

Oct. 13: Happy Birthday to Charlie and Margaret Raasch (9 years old). All is well, the Zyrtec is helping take care of the cold. Still a little dizzy, but I am sure that will heal up real quick. We are back to our crazy schedules this week. It always works out, so this season won't be any different. Colton's football team is now 1-3, the last one was a nail bitter defeat. I know he is loving the team and that makes the difference. Ladies, I need to talk to you. I had a mammogram done on Friday, I am still 40 for a few days, so technically, I did it when I was 40. I have received the e-mails talking about the similarities of this procedure and putting your boob on the garage floor and putting the door down on it, etc. But come-on, toughen up. It was not bad. I admit I was real apprehensive because of all the bad publicity. I called on Thursday for an appointment, got in on Friday and it was over in a matter of 15 minutes. If you have had a bad experience with this procedure, I am sorry. Make an appointment at the Buffalo clinic with Deena. It was a little awkward because she is my friends sister, but she is good at what she does, and that includes making you feel comfortable. So no big deal, make your appointment and quit giving it such a bad wrap. I already got the results back, just as I expected, clear exam. I am up in the middle of the night because I subbed in the special Ed department at school today. It was for the full school day, and those are some tender kids. I have them on my mind. I was exhausted by the end of the day, but now I can't sleep. I also have on my mind that I didn't do my bible study lesson for today. How is it we have all week to do it, and here I am 7 hours before the session, and I have 3 lessons to finish? I am doing the Purpose Driven Life series. You are suppose to do a lesson a day. Our group is doing it in daily lessons per session. So here I am trying to get it done now. I wonder where my kids get it from?

Oct. 16: Yesterday I went to lunch with a group of ladies from church. What a concept. They meet once a month to celebrate any ones birthday in that month. I was invited because it is my birthday next week. What an awesome way to get birthday cards and well wishes. The conversation was fun too. SO if you find yourself lonely on your birthday, find a birthday club and join it a few months before your day (it won't be so obvious then) and open the cards with a smile on your face. Health wise, the dizziness continues, so mid week I was put on anti vert, doesn't help. How funny, I am suppose to take it 3 times a day, yet not operate machinery or drive a car. I am here to tell you, stay off the roads when I am on them. I think I would rather feel dizzy than drugged. I have a doctor appt. Monday and will mention it then, hopefully the doctor will listen. Oh, Colton's team is 1-4. But, he still loves the game. They have the talent, the coaches just need to find a way to expose it. Talking about football: aaaagh those Gophers are frustrating. I have dusted and cleaned and cleaned to get the frustration out. I wish I could have been in the locker room at half time to give them a piece of my mind. I am not giving up hope, I still love them, but come-on! Keeping in mind what Michigan did to us last year in the 4th quarter, they can't give up. We went to the Michigan State game last year, another disappointment. They are still a young team, so next year will be exciting again.

Oct. 19: Happy Birthday to me! I am 41 years old today, still younger than my husband. My family gave me a leather reading chair for my special day. They also gave me individual presents, so fun. An odd sort of present is I get to play mom to my 15 year old home sick for the second day. It is selfish of me to get anything out of it when my kids are sick, I just love the reminder that at any age (and any hour of the night and day), they still need their mommy. Here is the card the kids gave me for my birthday:


A Mother is a wondrous gift,
A bright and shining light
That God gave every one of us
To teach us what is right.
A Mother is a tender touch,
A cheerful, smiling face-
Her loving ways help make a home
A bright and happy place.
A Mother is a wondrous gift
God gives us from above
To fill our days with warmth and joy,
To fill our lives with love.
You've made our home a happy one
Where faith in God is part
Of life's important values
that are treasured in the heart-

for celebration of
a loving, caring mother
who's a gift from God above!
Love, Shane, Colton, Caley

Mikes card was equally as touching, but I want to keep that one to myself. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, caring, loving family. Even though it is only Tuesday, everyone enjoy and celebrate this day, just because we can! Love to all my family and friends. Thanks for making this truly the best year of my life.
Oct. 23: Birthday week is now over. I have to admit this is the first birthday since I turned 19 that I didn't celebrate with an alcoholic beverage (19 was drinking age back in the olden days). Could it be maturity or sickness? Celebrations were limited by the fact my immune system is still out of whack (3.0 white blood cells, not that big of a deal), but I do feel sickish. But here is the power God gave to mothers. Even though my immune system is down, I am still able to administer to my sick boy. Shane has been sick with fever since last Sat. Thurs I brought him to the DR, he has pneumonia. Imagine now, I have slept with him, held him, fed him, and yet, I did not get sick. If anything, it gave me something else to focus on. I have done my pre-op physical and am all ready for "the procedure" on Monday. Outside of a few setbacks from the past week that have been wearing on my mind (I don't want to discuss them at this point), I am ready for the surgery. I am already thinking of the commentary I will have to post after this little hospital visit. There is so much humor in this predicament I am in. My own husband has even called me prude, and yet I will be lying there on the table, under anesthesia, mind you, bearing all aaaaggghhhhh! OK, now I am not as ready as I thought. One thing I got out of my pre-op visit is that I am not post menopausal, what does this all mean????? Monday is also my parents 44th anniversary, there is some positive irony that I am scheduled on their date. Enjoy the weekend.

Oct. 25: Today is over! As expected, the biopsies looked fine. It was a little stressful going under, and I am in some pain now, but it was worth it getting concrete evidence. My throat is really tender because I had a tube put in to breath, so along with my other end, I am a little sore. I have to share how much it meant to me to have Mike share in the day with me. He is under so much outside stress, with me, Shane still sick, work, his sore back, hockey, beer making, life. But somehow, he is coming out of this a changed man. He seems so happy, I think he was more worried than me. I am so lucky, he makes it so easy for me. Like I said, Shane is still sick. My dad took him back to the doctor today, he is suppose to continue doing what he is doing and he can go to school tomorrow if the cough isn't to bad. He is still running a 100 fever. I do agree he needs to get into the land of the living, he has been in the down mode for too long. I truly thank everyone of you who read this, and pray for me, and think of me. I am comforted by you. I am excited to continue to heal and get into shape. I will get the results back on Thursday. The doctor is actually going to call me, personally. I am not use to that kind of care. I told you this guy is good.

Oct. 29: Picture this if you will: Mike goes into a liquor store last night and an older gentleman that works there approaches him and asks if he needs some help. Mike told the man he is looking for two good bottles of wine. Pleased to express his opinion, the man precedes to show Mike some very good wine and started small talk about what the occasion is for the premiere wine. Mike looks at the grandpa figure and tells him the first bottle is for immediate consumption in celebration of his wife's clean biopsy of cancer! And the second bottle is to hang on to for 5 years to celebrate a clean bill of health. With tears in both their eyes, the older gentleman asks Mike if he could give him a hug. Sorry gals, Mike is taken for life now!

Nov. 9: So true the saying "Life is better on the other side of the fence". I have been fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom since Shane was 1 1/2 years old. There is always the argument that no one understands how important the mom is and under appreciated when it comes to the daily routine. Well, I am going on my 3rd week of working full time during the day, and then off to swim practice at night. How do working mothers pull this off? When do you wash sheets? Do you just get use to showering at the same time the wash machine is going? Is it really OK to close the door on the dog, knowing he hasn't done his business yet on a stormy morning? The chores remain the same, it is the time that is less! Maybe I will get to a point that I go on auto pilot or better yet, I will get a day off. Exactly what does that mean to a working women? Do you run away and do things just for you? Or do you take your day off to somewhat get caught up on the daily chores? Does anything really change? Is it something I am blowing way out of proportion and will only appreciate when the kids are out of the house and there is only grown up messes? Life is a pondering word, and a difficult subject. I have to run and get to work, with my cold lunch.

2005

Mar 17: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!!!!! 44 years old today. Not really in the mood to celebrate in a St. Patricks-kind-of-way. I have been going from doctor to doctor since December, only to find the answer I really didn't want to hear. I have been trying to find the reason for the pain in my right side. The same pain that started the whole thing back in 2002. Through an ultra sound, came the report that they couldn't find an ovary, so that bothered me a little. I went to a quality Gyn (outside of Monticello), and he found a mass on the right side, so he sent me to a surgeon, she felt the mass, sent me for an MRI, couldn't see anything on that, so she did a urinalysis and that found blood in the urine. I was sent to a urologist who ordered a CT scan of the bladder and the kidneys, thinking kidney stone. Everything looked good except a few spots on the liver. He called me and said to contact my oncologist. That was a scary day, but I still didn't think the worse. Well, after a MRI of the liver, the worse fears are reality now. There are 3 tumors on my liver. Even though this has been going on for quite some time, the past few days have been a whirlwind. At state meet this past weekend in Rochester (home of the Mayo), I literally talked to the best liver transplant surgeon in the US. Right there at the meet we are having this conversation about my body. He is very willing to set me up with the top dog at the Mayo, but he can't help me out due to what kind of cancer it is (this is a relief ?!?!). Amazing how people just want to help. This meeting came to be because the meet director is a doctor at the Mayo and I shared with him my situation. Dr. Shaughnessy is willing to bend backwards to help me out in anyway he can. On Tuesday, I met with the second doctor that was recommended as the only 2 in the state that can deal with me in the best way. Dr. Seilaff , out of Abbott, is well known in the research world and in the practicing world. Mike and I met with him, he is very personable and professional. It helps that his nurse has two kids that swim for Burnsville. The amazing connections that come out of this situation. Wednesday I had a PET scan, and a chest CT, today we get to celebrate Mikes birthday back at Abbott for a bone scan, then back to Monti to meet with the oncologist (same one I had at North, he just makes small town visits once a month), and then after that I have an appointment with my new primary care doctor for a pre op physical. We will have the answers to the tests from yesterday at the Dr. Londer appointment, also should know more about the chemo route. Tomorrow we leave for Hawaii for 10 days. Get back on Monday morning, and on Tuesday at 6:45 am, I am back at Abbott for surgery. Dr. Seilaff will remove the tumors, but will find out how during the surgery. Hopefully it can all be done laproscopically, if not, I will be opened up. So depending on which how it goes, I will be on another vacation for 3-5 days. During my biopsy last week, the blood work came back with low white blood cells, red blood cells etc. so I got a bad infection on Monday. I had a fever for the state meet weekend, but like the work horse I am, I kept plowing. Good thing I went in on Monday, it is cellulitis, (I already have cellulite). Could be fatal if not treated with heavy antibiotics. I would not have gone in if we weren't going on the trip. I wanted to get antibiotics due to my low counts, so I can take them with me in case I get sick. Well, I was already real sick. A few more hours and I would have been on IVs. Instead, the antibiotics taken right away, and a few prayers, and I was at the swim banquet that night. Within 4 hours of taking the meds, the body aches went away and the chills were gone. I will have my blood checked again today and they may give me a shot of WBC before the trip. Not to be confused with the shots I will be doing at the Luau this coming week. In between all this, we are packing and trying to be sensitive to the kids' feelings. We finally told the kids Tuesday night. We wanted to wait until all the swimming and hockey festivities were over, in fairness to them. The amazing kids we have, took it so well. Shane and Colton both said, we got through it before, we will get through it again. So now that the bomb has been dropped, and everything is out in the open, I look forward to getting answers, and getting on with getting healthy. I need to get ready for the day. Sorry to all those who asked me how I was doing these past months and I had to fib and say "good". I didn't want kids to know what I was going through and I didn't want anyone worrying until there were answers. Now there are answers so I am asking for your prayers. Not just for me, but for the birthday boy and the children.

Mar 17, part 2: Well, like usual, I opened my mouth too soon. Today was a bad day. We got the results of the PET scan. That is a scan that looks for cancer throughout the whole body. There is cancer in the lymph nodes and in the opening to the liver. This latest development cancels out the surgery appointment. There are no words to say how devastating this news is to our family. My only hope medically will be chemo. It is rare that squamous cell carcinoma goes to the liver, and even worse if it grows so fast. Dr. Londer will be researching what to do. I do have strong faith, a loving family and fantastic friends that outweigh all medicines available. We leave for Hawaii tomorrow, so we will be keeping in touch via cell phone. We will do nothing but enjoy our vacation and then deal with reality when we get back. Not a very good birthday present. God willing, I will make it up to him on his 50th birthday (6 years away).

Mar 18: The ride to the airport went on without a hitch. Our flight wasn't scheduled until 11:30 which gave us plenty of time to arrive at the airport and nurse Mikes hangover before we had to get off the ground. We were on the plane (which was 100% full) for 1 1/2 hours to de-ice and stand in line to taxi. A blizzard hit the airport, which only delayed us and made us more excited to get away. We landed about 6:00, got the car, a Cadillac Deville, and drove up to the North Shore. By the time we met the leasing agent, it was 8:30 and dark out. We past by a row of gorgeous condos on a golf course and I said, "oh those are beautiful, I wish we could stay in something like that", and then the agent put on her blinker, and we turned in!!! It is a gated community of condos within the Turtle Bay Resort. The condo is amazingly clean and open. Because it was dark out, we couldn't see our view of the balcony. Needless to say, I was a little excited. I don't sleep much anyway, but I was up at 4:00 waiting for the sun to come up. By 5:00 Mike was up also and the coffee was going. UNBELIEVABLE is all I can say. We are on the 6th hole of the Fazio Golf course ($150.00 for 18 holes) with a mini-mountain just pass the course. What luck we had just picking a place off the internet, sight unseen when we booked it. There is a master bedroom and bath, a dining room/living room off the kitchen, a loft above that with 2 queen beds. Colton sleeps on the futon in the living room, so everyone gets there own bed. The master bed is a King (sleep number, more on that later), so it feels like Mike and I are in our own beds. The Lanai (balcony) is the most used spot in the place, the sun is intense at 7:00 am.

Mar 19: Of course the first thing we do, is send the kids off to explore. Caley and Colton take off on the golf course towards the ocean, and Shane and I go to the tennis courts. There is a cute girl with her mom playing so I ask her if she wants to play with Shane. She asked her mom, and her mom said to go to the pro shop and get set up with Dave, the tennis pro, for the week. We take the little stroll to the gorgeous tennis courts and leave our number with Dave. Shane and Mike play back at our condo courts while I wait by the pool. Caley and Colton come back soaking wet because they went in the ocean clothes and all. A few cocktails later, it is 10:00 and the cell phone rings for Shane to go play doubles. Mike joins us at the pool. That is how we spent the first full day in Hawaii. We had lunch at the resort, and for supper, we went to the grocery store for the weeks supply of food, and bought a rotisserie chicken, mashed tators and green beans is what the kids ate, us adults had California rolls on the Lanai with a bottle of wine.

Mar 20: Today we went off to the historic town of Hale'iwa. Quaint little town with fun shops and a fantastic restaurant on the harbor. We came back and sat by the pool some more. For supper, we were in heaven. By the pool is a BBB grill, Mike and Shane grilled Pineapple Chicken and shrimp on skewers with grilled zucchini and grilled pita bread. I made couscous with mango salsa and broccoli. I have to put a picture on the web of the boys at the grill with the feast. Corona in Mikes hand and Aloha pop in Shane's with the "tunes" playing off of Shane's Mp3 player and speakers they bought today at Radio Shack. Freeze Time! This was perfect.

Mar 21: Up and out of here by 9:00, put us to Pearl Harbor at 10:30, we had to wait until 1:45 for our tour! Oh we were bored! It was worth it though. Very cool place, haunting almost. After that, we went to Waikiki beach and Caley and Colton went swimming and the rest of us chilled. We had dinner at Hard Rock cafe so Mike could add to his collection of pilsners from around the world.

Mar 22: Just by chance, I told Mike to call the cruise ship place to book reservations, in case gets full. Good thing, because it was the last few reservations they had for the 10:30 cruise. It was a whale watching cruise with a lunch buffet. What a deal we got! The views off of Honolulu and Waikiki, and Diamond head were amazing. We were out watching for the blow holes of the whales to come up. After an hour of shoreline watching, we went through the buffet line. And then they announced "Whales at 12:00" the boat sped up and everyone ran to the left side of the boat to get a better look. I am surprised the fruit punch stayed in the glass the boat was leaning so much. And then there they were! There were 4 whales doing their thing! They were huge and entertaining. One even jumped for us and Mike got a picture of it. They way the captain and the naturalist that was announcing what was going on, I don't think they see this on a regular basis for these cruises. The captain circled around them and we watched until our food was cold, oh well. After we had to start back due to the time limit, there were dolphins swimming beside the boat trying to ride the waves. On the way back, Caley learned how to dance in a grass skirt, while the boys took ukulele lessons and then performed for the passengers. Caley and I made Leigh's out of purple and white orchids. What a day, and it is only 1:30 by the end of the trip. We drove through the mountain range on our way to find Lanikai beach. We fried our bodies there, and Caley made a Sponge Bob sand form on the beach. We drove the Windward Oahu home through all these little towns and beaches. A completely different angle of the island. For dinner, we threw in a few frozen pizzas and I made finger Jell-O in the morning to add to the dinner. It was 8:30 and I was antsy and bored. Mike was vegging and becoming one with the chair. I had to get up and out. I forced him to get dressed and we walked down to LeiLei where we had lunch the first day. We sat at the bar and listened to some really bad Hawaiian singer imitate Jimmy Buffet. We ate coconut shrimp and enjoyed the breeze coming off the golf course. Nice walk home and we were in bed by 10:30, feeling very happy.

Mar 23: Just another day in paradise. A little tennis, a little sitting by the pool, a little lunch and a little snorkeling at Sharks Cove. We bought the kids masks and snorkels and set off for a little pool created by the rocks. The fish we could see were amazing. Shane and Caley got fried on their backs. Dinner was a blast. The kids stayed at the condo and had taco dinner, Mike and I went to Hail'wia to Jamesons. Wasn't the best food, but a fantastic view of the ocean. The sun set just like in the movies. After dinner we went to Cholos for a few after dinner drinks. Meet a few transplants from the states and got the feeling we were in the older crowd. There was a group of them leaving for Hard Rock cafe to party. Hard to believe there was a time in my life I would go for a pre-party drink at 9:00 and then head out for the night for a road trip to see a band. We had the kids to think of, so we were home by 9:30, much to the kids' surprise.

Mar 24: Another day of hanging, I could get used to this. More tennis for Shane and Mike in the morning. The afternoon was spent by the pool. At 3:30 we left for the Polynesian Culture Center for a Luau. (Did you know all Hawaiian words end in a vowel). It was entertaining, not the finest cuisine. Then we saw a show there. That was fun, where the dance and dance, and do the hula like you can't imagine. Of course the best part was the walking on fire part. There was a lot of humor put into it. We were exhausted at the end of the day. I can't imagine doing that performance 7 days a week.

Mar 25: Some days are meant to be spent one way, but something happens and it ends up being for the better. We meant to get up early to be one of the first visitors to Hanuama Bay state park to snorkel. Ha Ha, on our approach to the park, there were people walking along the highway, why? The parking was full already and it was like 9:00. We are not ones to sit in a crowd. We were out of there. We went up the coast a bit, and then back to Waikiki to enjoy the sun. Mike had a different agenda. He wanted to remember the trip in a permanent way. While the rest of the family relaxed by the ocean, Mike got a tattoo! Behind his heart (on the left side of his back), he had a Bird of Paradise in its full color put on and MOHO (Mike Oquist/Heidi Oquist) written under it. The kids and I rented an aquatic bike and attempted to pedal around the water. That was a lot of work. We did a little snorkeling and saw a beautiful yellow and black thing. So much fun to do nothing. After Mike walked back to the beach, he needed a beer but had to be out of the sun. We went to Cheeseburger Waikiki for a late lunch. They were awesome hamburgers and cheese fries. We drove home with a stop at the local grocery store for more California Rolls. We had happy hour at the condo to the back drop of a rain shower. It was so romantic. Mike and I danced on the lanai and sipped wine listening to IZ, a "big" singer from Hawaii. I even danced with Shane! We all had a little cry and a lot of support for what we are yet to go through. We were exhausted and went to bed early.

Mar 26: We had no plans for today really. The weather wasn't snorkeling weather, so we jumped in the car and went to the Swap Meet at Aloha Stadium. 10 T-shirts for $20.00!! And then some. We all got souvenirs to bring home. Caley bought me a pair of hula girl earrings. We dropped Caley and Colton off at the condo so they can make their Mac-n-cheese, then the three of us went off in search of the islands best shrimp. 10 minutes down the road is a shrimp farm. Right there off the road, we chowed on shrimp and prawns. Sweet-n-spicy and garlic butter shrimp. We were messy all over our faces and fingers. Soooo good. My mouth is still burning but would have more for supper if we didn't already have a plan. Caley and Colton walked down to the ocean this afternoon, and we will meet them at the pool. Tonight we are having an Oquist Luau. Pork ribs, mashed potatoes, baked beans and a few frozen drinks while it is all cooking. Very saddened that tomorrow is the last day. I can't believe how much we enjoyed this trip!

Mar 27: Happy Easter We had the most beautiful brunch. It was the Waimea Valley Audubon Center park. There were peacocks right there in the open air restaurant. The food was fantastic. A lady was playing the piano and her husband was playing the flute. It was amazing. We hiked up to the falls. It was called Waimea water fall. We then went back to the swap meet to buy an additional luggage. Mike figured it was cheaper to buy a suitcase for $20.00 and transfer stuff from the over stuffed suitcases, than to pay the fine of over poundage like we had to on the way out to Hawaii. We ended up at the airport ahead of schedule. Stress free and relaxed. There were 2 other swimming families on our flight returning from Hawaii also. That kept Caley busy. It was a booked flight, very tight to sleep, but we tried. We arrived at Mpls at 5:45, which is 1:45 our body time. Going to be hard to catch up.

Mar 28: Back to reality!!!! A huge thank you to my mom and dad who came while we were gone and cleaned the whole house and did laundry, ironing, and washed the van! Nancy, friend/neighbor had rolls waiting to be put in the oven when we got home. She also put together a roast dinner in the crock pot for us. There is so much food in our freezer also. She said neighbors and church family sent some things over! She has a list and will give it to me tonight. Thank you, all of you. After unpacking, Mike and I headed for North Memorial. I had an appointment with Dr. Launder to get going on a plan of attack, and I mean ATTACK! I will have a port put in my chest on Wed afternoon, and then will begin chemo on Thurs. It will be through IV at that time, one week later and then 2 weeks after that we repeat the process for a total of 6 weeks. We will do a PET scan at that time to see if the tumors are shrinking, if they are we continue as is, if not, we experiment. It sounds like this is a rare type of cancer, in a rare place, but aggressive. Dr. Launder has called around to the U of M and to the Mayo asking any and all that will help. Sounds like they all have the same conclusion, this is rare. We will not be going with the 5 fu like the protocol was recommended simply because of the rare reaction I had last summer with it affecting my heart. But that chemo obviously didn't work then anyway, so why not try something different. I am so exhausted from the trip, I am glad I don't have to have surgery tomorrow. I look forward to getting this all underway. I got a lot of cards in the mail this week, thank you for your encouraging words and prayerful thoughts.

Mar 29: I actually went to work today. The school asked me if I could work the playground supervision. I thought about 2 seconds and said, absolutely. Those kids lift me up. Speaking of being lifted up: After school today, I was holding Colton in my arms and said "Love produces miracles buddy" and he replied, "You don't need a miracle, mom. You only need a miracle when there isn't any hope left." How true is that! See how lucky I am. Wish me luck tomorrow with the Port placement.

Mar 31: Sometime between yesterday at 2:00 and this morning at 6:00, someone put me in front of a semi-truck and it ran me over. The port placement was successful, though painful. I asked if they could make it a "C" cup and put another one on the other side to match, talk about laughter. Until then, I will have to deal with the tiny disk they put there and suffer through the stitches healing. I am having a pain pill for breakfast, and yes, my dandelion tea and antioxidant protein shake. My sister will make a granola out of me yet. Today is the day I get a cocktail through the port. The internet says I will be sick in 10-14 days. Outside of going on line to read my inspirational messages on caringbridge.com, I will stay off the internet and all its wisdom. Because according to what I have read, with this chemo combination, I have an increase of life expectancy from 8.6 months to 9.8 months! What do they know. If ever there is testimony to prayer intervention, now is the time. I will be walking proof of the power of prayer.

April 1: Ya, I wish I had an April Fools joke to tell you all, like Just Kidding I Have Been Faking It All Along. The chemo was successfully put in through the port yesterday. The effects were immediate. There were steroids as well as the chemo, so I felt drugged up and then when that went away, I was wiped and nauseous. The feeling to puke is in waves. It helps to stay in one position, preferably on my back because of the port. It is a little swollen, not anywhere near "C" size, but oozy. One thing I hope I learned from last time is to take the meds they give you on schedule. That should curtail some of the side affects. Enough about me. I have sad news to report. My Aunt Liz was diagnosed with Brain cancer a few months ago. They tried the treatments, but she didn't get better. She past away yesterday at 12:00. Now I have another advocate in heaven on my side. Liz leaves behind a very loving family and grand kids that just adored her. Shane, his girlfriend and I went to see Liz in Feb. I am so glad we had a chance to visit and laugh. She is so sweet. She pulled out these hats and purses she knitted and gave a set to Jolynn and a set for Caley. She was so crafty. Her Christmas cookies were always the best. She had a great relationship with her daughter, Cheryl, and they did so many mother/daughter things together, and Christmas baking was one of them. Liz and her husband Jack supported their other 2 kids as well. What ever Bobby and Kelly went through, their parents supported them and loved them unconditionally. I do regret not seeing her as much in the past few busy years, but we did spend a lot of time together when we were growing up, so I have many fun and laughable moments of my dear Aunt Liz, rest and peace and be with your mom now.

April 2: So far so good. Only one throw up episode last evening. Ironic that I am trying to consume as many calories as possible after an adulthood of trying to lose weight. It is like a game of cat and mouse, I am eating the mouse and trying to keep it in my tummy as long as possible before the cat comes and gets it. It is really hard to drink as much water as I am suppose to. Nothing but complaints, sorry. How about this sunshine. We are grilling out tonight on the deck with the Mishlers. Just a normal evening. The robins are back and the finches are looking at me through the window asking what happened to all their food. I shall go feed my feather friends.

April 6: Everyday is getting a little more interesting now. Not a moment goes by that I am not reminded of the chemo in my body. I am nauseous beyond words. It is easier to just throw up than to have this feeling in the back of your throat. The past few days have been interesting. I am so trying to keep "normal" but yet, something was bothering me and making me very uncomfortable. What it was, was an inability to pass stools. Something we all do and take for granted. Well, let me tell you, when that ability is taken away, it is hard to function. It was real bad, and I wasn't' sure of the damage I was creating. Mike called North Memorial and they said to go to the ER. There was no way I was going to make it all the way to North, so we did the logical thing and went to Monti/Big Lake Hospital. The looks we got when we arrived! "Well, we could put you in room 11 or 12?" I don't care! Mike asked if they were real busy and the damn nurse said, "yes, it may be awhile" That is all it took, we were out of there and on our way to Buffalo. That is it with this hospital. I can't believe they are still in business. We were helped out at Buffalo and they were very nice about an embarrassing situation. Needless to say, I slept all night and hard. That was quite an ordeal. I am so thankful to be home and have some energy to do nothing. I had to miss the swim banquet last night. That is how bad I was, I didn't even have it on my mind, much. I was out of it. Thankfully, Mike came home from work early and he caught on to my warning signs. My next step was to just pass out. He saved me, like so many times before. The banquet went off, probably better than with me there, controlling everything. The swim season is officially over. I will be stepping back this summer, and not coaching at all. I can't wait to get to a point where I can coach full time, I know I can be a great coach if I didn' t have all this extra baggage. God give me the opportunity some day to make champions out of these little kids.

April 7: I should have updated yesterday. Because yesterday I got good news. I had blood work done to see where my counts are before I do chemo today. I haven't had those kind of results in over a year! My RBC are in the normal range, my WBC are at 3.1. I don't think they have ever been in the threes. Unbelievable. The platelets are low, but only a bit. My Hemoglobin isn't even on the low end of normal, but in the middle. Everything else is in the normal range. Almost every blood test I have had in the past year had only 2 areas of normal limits, this time, I only had 2 out of the normal limits! Sorry to go on-and-on, but this is great news for me as I head into today's chemo session. My dad will be brining me to North Memorial for the short IV session. I can't wait to get the port cleaned. The bandage fell off in the shower today! GROSS! I have a hole in my chest, looks like a blow hole on a whale. I wonder if I plug my nose and hold my mouth shut if air will come out of my chest. Hurts just thinking about it, but it is rather a funny visual. Until I play chemo patient today, I get to play mom to a sick child. Caley is home with strep throat. Bummer for her, but she has been fighting being sick before we left for Hawaii, now she can have the medicine to get better. I am thinking positive about the chemo today. Every time there is another step closer to healing! God is giving me more inner strength every day, I can feel it. I also read it in the caringbridge notes. I am inspired and motivated, and strengthened by the messages and the prayers. Thank you for all you do for me.

April 8: You'all must have thought after reading yesterdays passage that, although humorous, that is one dumbest chicks. It is not "normal" to have a hole in your chest, duh! I should have known the inventor of the port isn't so arrogant that the patent number is to be seen through a hole in your skin. Bacteria loves openness doo-doo-brain. Needless to say, the nurse at chemo knew more than me. She called radiology down "stat' and we were unable to use the port. So chemo went in the arm through IV, it only took two tries in different areas to get the needle in. There was conversation between nurse and oncologist; nurse and the doc that put the port in. By the time there was a conclusion, I was rewarding myself with a lemon cookie and coffee at the end of my supposed 1/2 hour chemo drip. Right when the nurse pulled the IV out, the radiologist nurse came to say, we are going to surgery. Shouldn't have had that cookie. I get to decide if I want the port to stay in and they stitch up the hole, with the risk of infection, or to have it removed, with the risk that I will be getting pretty sick and may need the use of a port instead of all the IVs. SO I used the little known trick, "what would you have your wife do?" It was left with a decision to be made once they got into the wound. The best scenario would be to keep it, and load up on antibiotics. That was what we went with. It actually was a very fast procedure, I was rushed through everything. Could be that the nurses wanted to go home, I like to think they felt sorry for me and wanted to get me home. I go back down to the hospital this morning to have them look at it and redress it. Pray for no infection to come to it! My dad, who can't stand hospitals (does anyone really) was the one who volunteered to take me to my quick visit yesterday. He was a trooper. He was even asking questions, which was cool. He came back home with me and stayed the night and will take me down again today for the appointment. At that point, my sister will come spend the afternoon with me. I am putting her to work to get ready for Shanes big "16" bash tomorrow. Do boys have "sweet 16's"? We are to have wonderful Friday weather. Go Twins!!!!!

April 12: Icky is a good word for how I am feeling. I am not throwing up, or running a temp, so I do have a bright side to how I feel. But other than that, icky. I even had to take a nap at 8:30 in the morning. I had the port looked at again yesterday, all is well!!!! Looks like a keeper. I still don't get to shower with it. However, I was thinking yesterday morning in the tub, what a difference a bath makes. We are always in such a hurry, especially in the morning, and a bath just makes you slow down, and enjoy the bubbles. Maybe it will be my new beginning to the start of my stress-free days, a bubble bath. On Saturday, our first born turned 16. He is so ready to grow into this new phase of his life, and I so want him to go downstairs and play with his batman toys. Mike and I bought him a car. Yes, it is a used car. It will be helpful to have a third driver and we are fortunate to live in a small town with not much traffic. I am still very nervous about his safety. I ask for prayers for Shane this day as he starts his initiation into adulthood.

April 13: The prayers are working! Yesterday when I was feeling so "icky", after a short nap, bam, I was feeling better. I looked at the caringbridge web site and at the time I was feeling better, seems like a few people were praying at that time. This is not a coincidance, but an fact. Today I had blood on the bandage of the port. I went in to North Memorial to have it looked at. The strips over the stiches are still intact. The nurse thought perhaps I pulled open the wound a bit when I slept. She wasn't concerned about it, just need to keep an eye on it. Last night was the first night I was able to sleep since the port was stiched back up. I am so nervous about it opening if I turn over, so there I lay on my back. Last night I rested well, and look what happened. I will need sedatives to get me to sleep now. Shane passed his drivers test yesterday. This will be a good thing for all of us, but will be leaps and bounds for him. It is so tough to let the first born grow up. By the time Caley gets to this stage, we will drop her off to get her license and tell her to get the groceries on the way back. Same amount of love, just more experienced parenting(?).

April 15: I want everyone of you to give yourselves a pat on the back! I feel so good today, and yesterday. Whatever you all are doing, it is because of you that I feel this way. I went on a long walk yesterday, cleaned the house a bit, read, took care of a few lingering pesky-details, and didn't even take a nap. Today I am ready to it all again. Of course I have a complaint though. I am gaining weight. I didn't mind the side effect of cancer in the liver that you lose weight without trying, but it is creeping back two-fold. My appetite has increased and I am eating all this good food Nancy and company have made. I read a book on nutrition my sister gave me and it is amazing how poorly we Americans eat. It is hard to walk through the grocery store knowing what I know now as to how we should be eating. It is also very confusing with all the information out there about what vitamins and minerals we need to eat, and what ones we need to suppliment. Alls I know is I have to learn to like vegetables, and deep frying them isn't an option. It is three years ago today we got Derby. Many times we regret not getting his brother at the same time. We are very lucky with the one we have though. Tomorrow we will be attending the memorial service for my dads sister, Liz. May she rest in peace, and all those who knew her smile with all the memories of her here with us.

April 16: I found a way to get some vegies in me. Use V8 juice over ice with a celery stick and pretend there is vodka in it. Of course I have to plug my nose, but think of all those anti-oxidents in a glass. Still feeling good. A little on the tired side, could be the funeral, could be the rain, but I am spending the rest of the day on the couch.

April 20: Today is the eve of chemo. I am a little anxious, but for some reason, I am excited to get it. It means one more treatment closer to total healing. Since Monday, I have had some intense abdomin pains. May be side effects, may be anxiety, probably an ulcer. We all handle stress differently. The port bandage fell off. It looks like a product of Dr. Frankenstien. But thankfully it is closed. It looks like a pile of quarters under my skin with a straw going up my neck. Blood work will be tomorrow also. I bet the numbers will be good once again. I just don't feel as bad as I did last summer. I'm sure if this was my first time around, I would be complaining more. But in comparison to last summers treatments, this is easy. I say that now, at the end of only one cylce, but that is how I feel. I can bet on my platelettes being low, because of all the bruises I have. Doesn't take much of a hit and there is a mark. That's ok, I want some physical sign that the chemo is working. Spiritually, I can feel all the prayers. There are times I need them more, and that is when I get a feeling of strength come over me. Thank you everyone! Think of me tomorrow at 11:00 (it is a 5 hour treatment).

April 21: I am back from a day at the hospital. I have to remember that nothing about this cancer treatment stuff is routine with me. What I had anticipated would be a routine 5 hour IV drip, almost didn't happen. My ability to guess my blood counts is off. Last summer I was able to tell what my white blood cell counts would be and my hemoglobin. Not this time. I anticipated similar results to 2 weeks ago because I have energy and and I don't feel achy. But knock me over with a four leaf clover. My counts were so low the doctor wasn't going to let me do chemo this week. Everything is low, and I mean low. The white blood cells are at 1.9 the hemoglobin is at 10 and so on. So the doctor I normally see was up in Monticello overcharging patients he sees there (seems the hospital puts a $100 fee for a specialist to come there, and charges that to the patient,again, I will never go to that hospital. I know gas is expensive, but still less that $100 to drive to North Memorial), so I saw Dr. Bloom. As he was telling me we won't be doing chemo based on my counts, Dr. Launder was calling him from Monti. They talked and as they did, I prayed for God to give them direction on what to do that is best for my healing. The doctor came back in and said we will do the chemo, but we have to do a EKG first to rule something out he said he would tell me if he finds it. So after the test he was explaining to me what it was he was looking for. The smart ass that I am, I asked, "was it present on the test?" He said "no", so I replied, "then I don't want to know about the details." Just bring on the chemo. I have to have weekly shots for the red blood cells that I got today and then for the white blood cells that I will get next Friday. So we are back on schedule for another chemo treatment next Thursday. I have to be real careful about not getting sick. My counts will go even lower, making me real receptable to germs. This I can live with. The abdomin pain he thinks is acid related, so I am on previcide. Overall, I feel great, even though I have some meds in me to make me feel druged. Please direct the chemo to those terrible cancer cells and destroy them!

April 23: Happy Earth Day. Nothing really new to report except that I am keeping food down and sleeping as much as possible. I am really nauseous. I watch the neighbors rake their lawn and I can't wait to do something like that soon. I am not good at sitting around. Although, I really don't have much energy to do anything about it.

April 26: Seems like weeks since I have written. I have no energy. This is about as low as I have felt ever. It must be because of the low blood counts. I apologize for any phone calls that haven't been returned, I have been sleeping or laying down for 48 hours. It is amazing how many t.v. commercials are about food! Puke-ola. My insides are complaining also. I have discomfort associated with taking pain meds and anti-nausua meds. I am done with the meds now, so hopefully somethings will return normal. All to do it again on Thursday. Maybe a little nap, and I will feel better. Thanks for all the prayers.

April 27: Last night was another trip to the ER room. Yesterday, I started running a fever, so Mike spoke with a nurse at the cancer center. I was to take some tylenol and then the doctor will look at my chart. The nurse called back for me to go to the ER room at Monti (must we?), but the nurse said it should be 5 minutes, they will fax over the orders. Of course it wasn't that simple. Thankfully my family doctor saw Mike on the phone in the lobby, and knowing I must be near, he came looking for me. He found the orders, and got me in the ER. Once again, they can't do something the first time. It took the nurse 2 times to access my port. I got a little dizzy and real nausaus. The blood is for a culture that will grow over the next 3 days to find where the infection is coming from. Meanwhile, I was put on antibiotics. A blood count was also drawn, the white blood cells are down to 1.5, and everything else is lower, except red blood cells are up .1 to 3.49 and the hemoglobin is up to 11.3. I am looking forward to the antibiotics to kick in, I am even looking forward to chemo tomorrow. Not. But it must happen, and then I am one day closer to healing.

April 28: It isn't until you feel a little better do you realize how sick you were. Today I slept in, thanks to my amazing lunch-making husband. I was up in time to see the boys off to school, but otherwise, I slept. I feel better, but can't believe how sick I was the past few days. The human mind is unbelievable how it zones out and lets your body repair. I remember the events of the days, but honestly, since Monday, I was out of it. That is a sign of getting better. I am encouraged to get the chemo over with today. I will journal what my counts are today, but just want to thank everyone for praying for me the past few days. The clouds have lifted.

After the appointment: I am back from chemo. Thank you prayer warriors! My white blood cells that were 1.5 on tues, are now 3.5. Everything else came up or down to much better ranges. Unreal, I won't have to have shot tomorrow for the white blood cells now. The blood culture will continue to grow, and I will continue to take my antibiotic. The downer (if you can say that) to the appointment is that I lost 8 pounds since last Thursday. We can live with that. I am certainly not trying to lose weight, but I was really sick, so now it will come back just fine. My appetite is still great, I am not throwing anything up. I have food cravings and have to have a certain thing immediatley. I am not pushing it though. We had grand plans to go to Stillwater for our 17th Anniversary on Sat, but we will just delay that trip for another time. Speaking of eating, my mom brought up potato dumplings and sauerkraut with pork ribs for dinner. A favorite of mine from childhood. I had no problem cleaning my plate and having room for bread pudding. But all night, my pores reeked of sauerkraut. I still smell it, I think it is in my nose hairs. I sure hope this doesn't put an end to my love of sauekraut. I just won't have it for a long time, nor will I mention it for a long time. I am eating crackers as fast as possible as I type. OK, time to lay down for a nap. My CAT scan is scheduled for May 10th. Huge day. I will get the results on the 12th and we will determine if I get chemo that day or run to the Mayo clinic for different options. I scheduled the chemo.
Later that same day: I got a phone call this afternoon that I do still have to have the white blood cell shot, wish I could remember the name of it. I will get the shot tomorrow afternoon, should help to make me feel better.

April 30: To everything there is a purpose. It is not just luck that I married such a beautiful partner in Mike. There is a reason. There is an explanation. It was a prearranged marriage. Thank you God, for the past 17 years . Fulfill your promise that we made on our wedding day, remember the one: With the braided rope in Ecclesiastes. Bishop Dave Olson explained to us 17 years ago how strong a braided rope is. Mike and I can accomplish so much together. With out one, we are week. Weave in Gods rope, and the triple-braided cord can not be broken. Mike and I are hanging onto the rope harder than ever, and we feel secure, knowing our love for each other has never been stronger, and Gods spirit has never been more needed. As God knew the hairs on our heads, he knew Mike and I are to be together. Throughout our 17 years we have achieved so much. We are the luckiest parents, to three wonderful children. We have a comfortable home where all are welcomed. I am proud of who we have become as members in a loving community. I am overflowing with the amount of love I have for my husband. I love you Mike, thank you for asking me to marry you.

May 3: No doctors appt or anything like that, but since this is my only journal I am keeping, I like to write things down so I can go back and compare. For example, last time I was at this time in the chemo cycle I was feeling so good. Not this time, not yet anyway. I am having intense abdomine pain, similar to what I had on the 18th of April. So that was a week later in the chemo cylce. It has to be something related to the tumors being attacked, because it feels like I have been kicked right where the biggest tumor is. Dr. Launder wants me to stay on the Prevacid because it wouldn't hurt to keep the acid out of the stomach. I hate to complain, but it is a physical pain that prevents me from feeling good. It hasn't affected my appitite at least. The sun has decided to come out and the temps are out of the 40's, so maybe that will help. I would like to wish my brother a happy birthday. Happy Birthday Don.

May 4: Bored, bored, bored. My goal today is to stay vertical. No more feeling sorry for myself. That is what you end up doing when you stay idle. I am gone for the day, without a destination, but with a purpose.

May 5: Today is National Day Of Prayer. Please remember to pray for yourselves. Also remember to thank the Lord for answering your prayers. He is good. Matthew 6:9-13. AMEN

May 9: I am usually not thrilled about Hallmark-kind of holidays. Because it is usually a burden on the givers to go searching for that perfect card, and quite frankly, what a mom wants, she can usually go out and buy throughout the year. That is until your kid can drive to the Hallmark store and take the challenge on himself to buy a card. I still love the homemade cards, but because Shane went to Hallmark on his own (on Wednesday, mind you, not the day of the holiday) I now have a better appreciation for these Hallmark holidays. The card starts "For Mom from your oldest". Well you can just imagine the tears from then on as I read about how he thinks of me as a "natural mother" and the sweet memories to the things the two of us did together. It goes on to say "and even when I was no longer your only child, I felt important because you always let me be your 'little helper.' My oldest is growing up and my prayer for this mothers day is to be able to see him all grown up with "little helpers" of his own. God Bless all mothers and all card givers.

May 10: Well, here I go. My tummy is full of waffles and I am finishing up a cup of coffee before 8:15. I drink Barium at 9:15 and 10:15 and then again at 11:00. The scan begins at 11:15. I will be having a CT of the abdomin and of the chest. I am also having my port looked at because I think I popped a wire at the top of the disk. It is like a pin head trying to poke through my skin. My back is feeling better and my stomach just has some butterflies. I am ready to define my path for the next few weeks. We want to make so many plans to go here or there, but until we know the schedule, we are on hold for any summer fun. As I am laying on the table to be scanned, I will look down at my beautiful toe nails and remember, just like the great teachers of Little Mountain who gave me the certificate for this gorgeous pedicure, I have so many friends that are thinking of me. I will not know the results until Thursday morning, and I promised myself I will not read into the faces of the techs who are giving the scan. Only positive thoughts and energy for the next 48 hours, even if they are forced. My kids all prayed for me before they left for school, how can we let them down.

May 11: Glad that day is over. It is like a cattle prod to get the CT done. There are people waiting on gurneys in the hall for their turn to go in the room next. Kind of funny. Well it came to my turn, and they had me in and out very quickly. I had to ask to make sure they did a chest scan as well. The contrast they inject into me had a real funny taste. I can't count how many scans I have had, but enough to remember that contrast stuff. But this one seemed different some how. I had a head ache right away and an awful taste in my mouth, still taste it. Then I had a chest x-ray to make sure I didn't pop a wire on the top of the port. Steve the nurse, seems to thinks the port repositioned itself a bit and left scare tissue. I am not an educated person, I just don't think that is it, but the x-rays showed the wires are still going in to the top of the port. The proof will come on Thurs he said. If I feel any burning when they inject saline into it, I am to stop and have him paged. We certainly don't want the chemo to get out of the tube, than for sure all this work would be for not. I got to tell ya though, my back is feeling soooo much better. Love you prayer warriors. We still have alot of work to do, but honestly, I feel you!

May 12: 1Peter 5:7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you. I am sorry to say, the chemo didn't work. The tumors have grown. The chemo has been stopped. That, you could say is good news. I won't have to be sick for another 12 weeks and come to find out it didn't work anyway. So now we will go to the Mayo next week and search for something else out there. Sounds like it will be experimental at this point, because if the doctor said it ten times, he still couldn't say it enough, it is such a rare cancer. There has to be answers out there. I just have to find the doctor that can help me. Medicine can only go so far, I still need the prayers. Just because they didn't work this time, please don't give up, because I am not! We are devastated and very sad and we thank you all for everything. Hey Bubba, now we need a miracle. God bless you for helping me through this. And through this I shall get!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:o)

May 14: Thank you all so much for all the love you are sending me. And also the amazing words of kindness towards the family. I admit, when I was on the other side of this disease, I had no idea how the others in the house are affected. The worst part is when there is silence. I don't know what the kids are thinking after we kiss them goodnight. I remember when I was that age and cried myself to sleep after letting my imagination run wild. It settles me a bit knowing how confident, and faithful they are. Mike and I remind them all the time they can always talk to us or ask us any question, but it is that look in their eyes, and that soft way they say "I love you sooo much" that tears at my heart. I admit physically, I am feeling so much better than if I were on the chemo. I didn't report the good news (laugh out loud) from my appointment on Thurs. Right before the bottom fell from my world, I had my blood checked and the white blood count was 5 something. That is in the normal range. First time in forever. The hemoglobin was 10 and the the red blood was low, I had a shot for it. I would trade a white blood count of 1.3 for tumors that shrunk to 1/2 the size due to the chemo. Enough, enough. Concentrate on the forward motion. We are taking family time to run to the woods and water for the weekend. More answers will come next week. I need to make a list of the questions.

May 16: OK, I lied, I am not staying off the internet. I cannot sit idlely by and wait for someone to come up with something. I am getting alot of suggestions to call various cancer centers etc. I am using every bit of resource I can. Here is the deal though, since going on the web and searching squamous cell carcinoma of the anus I have found most of it to say it is due to unsafe sex! I am here to put that stigma to rest. That can't be further from the truth. I am so angry to read that theory. It puts shame on a disease I did not ask for, nor did I do anything to contribute to getting. So if there was any wonder in anyones mind, or snicker as to a thought regarding this issue, stop. I think of all those women so long ago when breast cancer was stigmatised by such ignorance and all they had to live through to get the attention put on the disease. Maybe some day we will have an anus cancer society with its own walk and its own color to represent it, until then, take a look at my face and know that it is not my fault and I didn't do anything wrong to deserve this. Thank you for listening to me vent my frustrations. I am going to call a few more centers. The cancer connect center at the U of Wisconsin that Gary Brietbach wrote about in the caringbridge notes does not have a study for me to participate in. I told you, this is a rare thing I have, now I need to find a rare doctor to heal me.

May 17: I am so appreciative of all the suggestions and advice from so many. But the best one I want to share with everyone. A coach from another team in Minnesota (I don't know if SHE wants to be named, so I will leave her FOXy name out of it) and my dear friend, Susan McNeeley (whom we spent a long girls weekend together in New Jersey watching our daughters kick butt in the pool) cohered together regarding this juice the JETting coach's brother sells called XanGo. The two of them ordered me 6 cases to be delivered today. That is not the most amazing part of my story. This nameless coach called me on Thurs, the day the bottom dropped remember, to tell me about the juice. She could here it in my voice that I may be at the end of my rope. So she said she will find at least one bottle so I can get started right away. I hardly know this new friend. Us coaches are just weekend "Hi" sayers. Well, she made phone calls and found some juice in Eagan, I believe. Susan drove from North Oaks (St. Paul) to get the bottles and then all the way to Monticello to deliver it (trust me, that is a long way). There is a purpose for everything, this I believe. The case she hand delivered had one bottle missing. A case holds 4 bottles. I am that 4th bottle that will be filled with the remaining three. The red juice that is filling my body represents to me the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit healing me. A week from today, the 24th, I will be at Mayo Clinic. I have a 7:00 am appointment. I usually go to Rochester for a swim meet, and I am very excited to go. Not so excited this time. It is so hard to fathom with modern medicine how many road blocks I am hitting as far as treatment goes. I may have to rely on Michael W. Smiths Healing Rain, along with my juice.

May 18: For those of you who know our middle child, Colton, you can appreciate his latest statement. I asked him if he has read the family website. "Why do I have to read it when I live it". Spoken with true conviction, complete with rosy red checks. Worthy of a high five. It is hard to explain how much this kid fills my heart. I remember being pregnant with Colton and having a melt down in the middle of the night, close to my due date. I just couldn't imagine having room to love another child when Shane, our only child at the time, was my whole world. Some how through the glory, parents are given the ability to love their children as if there was a seprerate heart for each one. I miss them when they are at school. Only 9 1/2 days until summer vacation. I can't wait.

May 20: You will never believe who just left my house! Mark and Deb. You know, from KARE 11. Mark Daly and the camara woman, Deb spent the morning with our family to spread the love, warmth and strength our family has for each other. Through this story, we can spread the amazing kindness all you loved ones of mine have given me over the past year. See, love is catchy. Gods fingers are spreading throughout the viewing area and someday soon I will be a walking testimony to the power of prayer. The special will be on Sunday night 10:00 news on channel 11. We talked about the battle before and the struggle I am in. I wonder if they went away with thinking last summer was the battle of physical strength, this summer is the battle of emotional strength. The reporter, Mark, seemed to be a very compationate person who has delt with cancer in his own family. So I know he will put great light on this disease. Who knows, maybe someone watching Sunday night will come to understand that cancer is not just about being sick, it is about kindness and love from others. Strangers may be nicer to their potential new friend. Some distant relative may call a loved one and go for a visit. A husband may turn to his wife and say for the first time in months "I love you". A child may go to bed with a warm heart knowing his/her mom loves them unconditionally. Others will see the healing work of God. These sorts of things is what I would like to see come from this interview. So tune in on Sunday and know that I draw my strength from each one of you who believe in me. As Mark left, he turned back to me and said he will come back in 5 years to do a follow-up interview. I will be here!

May 22: Trouble in paradise. I need to first explain my port. The shape, like I explained earlier is like a stack of quarters with wires connecting from the top into a tube that goes up to my neck into some aorta thing , and then down to my heart. If you remember from the beginning I have had a hard time with this thing. After a week, the thing didn't close, leaving a good size hole. The surgeon closed the hole up at that time. Well, yesterday, the hole opened up again. It isn't as big as the first time. There is still another stiched hole next to the hole, but it is definately a hole in my skin. Now I just don't know what to do about it. I am going to the Mayo Tuesday, so I am thinking of holding off dealing with it. I have it covered to avoid infection. Just something to take my mind off of everything els. Actually, my friend from college, who lives in Florida came to visit with her 9 year old daughter. This is a good distraciton. Mary Kay and I lived together at LSU my first year down there. We have kept in touch ever since, and it is good to see her. Reminder, there will be a news segment on my cancer story on KARE 11 at the 10:00 news. Stay tuned. Hope everyone had a great weekend. I am feeling really good, thanks for the prayers.

May 23: Didn't Mark do a great job. He made a horrible disease into a beautiful story. I am overwhelmed with the amazing amount of well wishes from this LEAD STORY on the local news channel. Stay tuned though, because Mark will be keeping the viewers up to date by following me down to the Mayo to see what they have to say. No pressure for these doctors to perform, huh. My reaction to the story is a little saddening. You see, with all that is going on this past weekend with the interview, a yard clean up party all day Saturday at our house, and my friend Mary Kay and her daughter in from Florida, have all taken my mind off of the subject. As I watched, I was reminded of what I am going through. The one I really feel for is Caley. She is a typical 11 year old with a ton of spirit. On the Thursday we heard the bad news of the tumors growing, instead of shrinking, Caley had an all day field trip and was so energetic when she came home. She didn't comprehend the news (how can I blame her). She went on and on about her day, all bubbley. She has seen me with alot of energy lately, and feeling rather well. While she was watching the news, she gripped hard to the pillow that was on her lap, and wept. It hit her, mom is not well. She was devestated to hear those words that went over her head only a week ago. Now that we have a prayer village on our side, I will not let her down. I will put that smile back on her face.

May 24: Real quick, there will be a follow up story today at 5:00 and a shorter version at 10:00 on KARE 11. I will update at a later time. Thanks for your prayers today. I felt them!

May 25: Sorry if you missed the news cast yesterday. It was on at 5:00, but not at 10:00. Much more pressing news than lil ol me. I am so thankful it was on at all. Think about it, May is a sweeps month, and the end of the month is huge in the ratings. Well, you viewers made the ratings at KARE 11 shoot through the roof. I am thankful that the station cares enough about such a touching subject to make it their lead story on Sunday and then to follow it up with a trip to Mayo with us. I am so mixed in emotion today. Mary Kay went back to Floriday this morning, it is pouring rain, and I have to read up on my experimental treatment to "prolong" my life. It is definately a day to regroup. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad once and awhile. The treatment in the trial will consist of taking 2 chemo pills per day, for the rest of my life. I will be the 6th person in the study. The first 3 on level 1 of toxicity of the combintation of the drugs, I will fill the next tier of toleration. The trial began in Dec '04. The side effects listed run the spectrum of a runny nose to death. I am sure they are just covering their butts. The chemo does not have names yet, they are just letters and numbers at this point. They drugs have been used singely to treat transplants. If I understand it correctly, it is antibodies to help my own body starve off the cancer. I will get started on this tomorrow. I have 6:30 blood work, 7:30 CAT scan, 8:30 chest x ray, and an 11:45 dr appointment. After all that, I get my pills. I will be able to have my blood monitered in Monti, and have to take my blood pressure everyday, and visit the Mayo every other week. At least now I can sort of plan out my summer activities. Oh, wait, I forgot about the side effects. I will hold off on making too big of plans. Last nights news started off with an excerpt from Caleys "Perk at Play" episode 3 years ago. My how she has changed. Thought of the day: Tears Are Fuel For The Journey.

May 29: I would have liked to update sooner, even though there is something wrong with Trelix (our web host). But I wouldn't have been able to any way. I added the laptop computer to my list of "what to bring with to the Mayo appointments just in case we have to stay a night or 2" so I could update while going through the day. We left the house Thurs morning at 4:15 and returned Sat at 11:00 AM . Why? you say, when the appointments were all scheduled for one day. Well, I had blood work at 6:30 in the morning, and on to the next tests from there. We had a bit of a wait until the doctor appointment so we hung out in the lobby of the floor we were to be on for the doctor appointment. My phone rang and it was the clinical trial coordinator looking to talk to me. She came and found us. I was reading, Mike was sleeping (complete with snoring). In a whisper, the nurse said I need to go to the lab and repeat a blood test. Seems I didn't pass a test. "Which one?" I whispered back. In an even lower tone, she said the pregnancy test!!!! Mikes eyes flaired open! Repeat that. I didn't pass the pregnancy test. Not a laughing matter, I know, but you must know our history. In fact it is the story behind Mikes next tatoo. Mike was "fixed" 11 years ago (as soon as we had our baby girl) and I have been proved through blood test to have completed menopause due to all the radiation on that area. Thus his tatoo next to the MOHO tatoo is going to read "I'm tied and shes fried" we just have to come up with a picture to coordinate with the saying. So now you can laugh with us. So I went back to the lab at 10:30 to repeat the test. The doctors appointment was changed to later in the day so we could get the results. Slam, the HCG level that they measure is up a bit! This can' t be. It isn't physically possible. Mike joked my name will be changed to Mary if this comes to be. So we had to stay overnight in a hotel and come back at 6:30 Friday morning. This is where it gets even funnier, the HCG level is up again. Truth be told, it is proven that tumors can secret HCG, this is the case, I am convinced. But I can't go on the study until I pass this test. Next I had to pee in a cup to do a more sophisticated test to take the tumor marker out of the equation. So we waited all day for the results, it takes 3 hours. It was more than 3 hours going on 4 before we were seen again. Seems the doctor was consulting with an OB expert. Because guess what, I didn't pass the urine test. SO, we had to stay another night in a hotel to go back to the lab at 7:00 this morning. It would have been 48 hours from my first test. The HCG level should be up by 50% in that time frame, giving it a definate result. If it goes up slightly, a consult with another OB will more than likely allow me into the trial. I am still not approved for the trial with the rest of the tests either. The girls on my moms side of the family have high cholesterol, and a side effect of one of the drugs is high cholesterol. My cholesterol as of Thursday is 468. That is even high for my standards. I can go on medicine for this while on the trial, I am just hoping they allow me on with the levels where they are at the beginning of the treatment. Needless to say, it has been more than a month since my last treatment. At the appointment on Tuesday, we found that the cancer is a little more spread than we were led to believe through our visits at North Memorial. The lymph nodes are a cluster on the aorta (making it inoperable) and also in the lymph nodes in the groin area. Not good news. "Prayer Therapy" is greatly encouraged along with my experimental treatment. Thanks for helping out. You all get a devine degree. Thought for the day quoted from Dr. Reginald B. Cherry: "But in the end, it is God who heals. Physicians only treat."

May 30: Zippidy-do-da, zippidy-day, my oh my, what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine heading my way. Zippidy-do-da, Zippidy-day. Happy Memorial day. Special remembrance to: Grandma Barnes, Grandma Raasch, Grandma Anderson, Grandpa Raasch, Grandpa Anderson, Aunt Liz, and Uncle George. And a complete Happy Birthday to my dad, Ron "Papa". Wow, 65 years old. God Bless you everyday!

May 31: It's official, I am a chemo patient once again!!! Mike was a little sentimental when he found out it was only a tumor baby and not the real thing. He said he will have to make do with a grandbaby sometime. The HCG level was still above the excepted range, but because we did every test possible, and the number didn't go up by 50% over a 48 hour period, the doctor can sign off on the trial. So at 9:00 every night, I will pop 1000 mg of PTK787. In two weeks I will add another drug to the routine. I am also taking 40 mg of Lipitor to get the cholesterol down. The family blessed the pills before I popped them in my mouth and chased them with a glass of XanGo juice. Come on chemo, do your thing. Take these tumors out of me. Rah-Rah Shish kum bah. Thank you for all your prayers. There is a warrior dance going on inside me.

JUNE 1: Thank you for all the emails and phone calls wondering how I am tolerating this "yet unproven chemotherepy". It makes me real dizzy, so the nurse suggested taking it at night. I took it at 9:00. I think I will wait until my head hits the pillow from now on. It is like a caffeine rush during the day. My stomach, although not nausous, feels like it is lagging behind the rest of my body. I had to take a nap at mid morning, that helped to curve the side effects. I am convinced that with this medicine, proper nutrition and directed prayer, I will beat this thing and grow grey with Mike. The nutrition thing may be the hardest. I am reading different books about detoxification, and juicing, and supplimenting. It is so overwhelming, so I divulged in a box of Vanilla Wafers. Now I add guilt to my ignorance. I totally get the connection of proper nutrion to get the toxins out of the body, it is just a little scary to adapt to a 14 day enema, olive oil with grapefruit juice, and green-drink with fiber cleanser. I will have to try to make sense of it all. I will just educate myself at this point and let the chemo take a try at these tumors first. In the meantime, I will shop for fresh fruits and vegies. My mom suggested just shopping the perimeter of the grocery store, that is where the healthiest foods are. Stay away from all the packaged advertised foods, regardless of how cheap they are. It is so hard when the t.v. adds lure you to the product. I will remain strong, and choose wisely the foods we eat.

June 2: Day 2 of experimental attack and I am feeiling quite well. I went for a nice walk this morning and feeling energized, I went to take my nail polish off. As I did, I saw my yellow Livestrong bracelet on my wrist. "Oh, thats right, I have cancer" is what went through my head. There are moments I completely forget about my struggle. It is nice to have peace once and awhile. I get to have my babies home for the summer after today. The boys are going to attempt sleeping in the tents tonight around the bonfire. This is the making of memories. I will keep the door open, as there is rain in the forecast. May the sun be shining where you are!

June 3: My constant reminder of why I need to heal myself of this disease. Colton is sick! Started out yesterday, I wanted to surprise him at school on his last day. I was there when the last bell rang, he saw me and gave me a big hug (a middle schooler hugging his mom in public, that is one way he is so special). I took him to lunch, he wasn't all that hungry. I took him to buy flowers for his garden, he wasn't all that enthusiastic. We came home to plant, he couldn't finish. He went to bed. I took his temp later in the afternoon, 103.5. Poor thing. It is probably a coincidence, but it bothers me that the day before, he fell off his bike and landed on his face. He is still running a fever this morning so I will take him to the doctor. This was suppose to be mens weekend at the cabins. Maybe he can lay on the coach up there and throw a line in tomorrow. Everytime I walk by some wood, I knock on it. I am feeling so good even with this chemo drug in me. There has to be some truth to the fact that tumors thrive on sugar. I am craving anything sweet. I am resisting however, and enjoying fresh pineapple instead. I am continuely reading nuitrition books and trying to take a bit from each source. I am listening real hard for answers in my prayers as to what to do about it all. Something is brewing and will take charge soon, I am sure. I was back on deck yesterday for the first time since March. It felt good to be creative in making up sets. Oh those precious little athletes. My heart melted as watched them swim back and forth with those swim caps almost too big for their heads. I saw smiles on some faces as they turned their head to breath. I will be coaching at the meet this weekend at the U of M. I am anxious to see my weekend buddies, now that the word is out. I just hope they don't ignore me or treat me different than before. I understand some people just don't know how to react, so they pretend not to see me or make small talk to avoid the subject of cancer. I was one of those people at one time. It is ok to be nosey and ask questions. It is also ok to hug me and not say anything. I am excited to see my little girl swim again. She is pretty into her softball and swimming has taken second fiddle, so we will see if there is a coorelation to the amount of workouts she has been to and her performance at a meet. She is a competitor and hates to loose. Sounds familiar, where have I heard that before?

June 5: That was fun! I worked a swim meet. Actually coached 2 days last week also. Minnesota Swimming should be proud of who represents the sport. The coaches that were on deck were sincerely thoughtful. The parents are so supportive and the swimmers are just plain sweet. I had so many hugs, my port wire is back to bothering me. But it is worth it. I have surprised myself at how much energy I still have tonight. I may even go for a walk if it doesn't pour out. To recap from Friday: Colton ended up with pneumonia! He was given antibiotics and napped all afternoon. The fever broke and he was feeling better. He went fishing with the guys, and layed low thanks to the rain that kept them indoors for most of Saturday. But he was able to catch some fish. Even Derby caught a fish, so what if it was in the live well. Caley swam what was expected. She usually doesn't swim well this weekend in her season, but I can tell she hasn't been working out like she has in the past. That is OK, she is enjoying her softball. Tomorrow starts the summer, morning practices, hockey camp and "what's for lunch". Can't wait. I will soak it all in. The heat is on in the pool. Anyone for a swim?

June 7: You prayer warriors are so good you are making the skies rumble in thunder. And it is working on me! I had my blood test today with awesome results. I knew I was feeling good, and the test results prove it. All is normal in the blood. Did you hear that, all is normal in the blood. Now I am just going to start applying some of the nutritional concepts, and the tumors will just fall away, AMEN! The sun and the fresh air are going to be part of my plan as well. I am going to go celebrate with a long walk and then lunch with my husband. (Fruits and vegetables only please). My complaint would be leg pain. I have gone to the doctor for it and he said it is from sitting in a soft chair too much. So in other words, get off your butt and exercise. I have done that and it still is hurting, keeping me up at night. Perhaps a chiropractor can reach the point, because stretching seems to make it worse. I may have to fly down to Florida to see Mary Kays chiropractic husband. I wonder if insurance would pay for that? I am flying high with these great blood results. Thanks be to God, and his children!!!

June 9: Things are still going great. I feel wonderful (except the painful leg deal). I have been doing really well on the whole change of lifestyle bit. I have tried juicing, but need a new juicer to get the most out of the fruit. The one I have is from the Magic Bullet infomercial. Works great on T.V., but not when you try to make apple juice. I haven't even tried juicing the leafy green vegies. I will wait until I get a good juicer. I am not perfect, however. When Caley brought home pancakes from Perkins, I gave in. By the time I heated them up with all the butter she had on them and I added syrup, they resembled juice in my mouth. I wonder if that counts? It is so obvious how much the prayers are working. I am excited to put in a full weekend of kids, grad parties, surprise bday party (can't tell who, its a secret) and sending my baby off to two weeks of camp. Even with all that to do, I may get bored because I have so much energy. We lost a big tree in the storms yesterday. Maybe I will cut it up myself. Everyone have a great day!

June 11: Here is a bible study lesson for anyone who is going through some personal struggle, like me, or any other suffering. It opened my eyes this early morning! First read Mathew 6:33, then read Matthew 21:22. It depends on where you are spiritually, I guess, but this really spoke to me as I await the sunrise on this Saturday morning.

June 14: At 2:00 this afternoon, I introduced RAD001 to PTK787. Knock on wood that they get along with each other. Now everyday I take 2 pills in the afternoon and 4 pills (plus lipitor) at night. I had blood work today as well. Nothing to report except everything is in the normal range, once again! My cholesterol went down 60 points to 408. Whooppie! We are on a roll. My dad took me to Mayo today. We left the cities at 5:00 AM for a 6:30 blood work appointment. We had a little breakfast and took a stroll to wear it off. Then we bellied up to the bar and had a shot and a chaser. If you know my dad, you know I am not talking alcohol. We went to a juice bar and had a shot of wheat grass with an orange juice chaser. Of course, my dad had to buy me a flat of grass to bring home. I will try it in my new juicer. I can't say I like the taste of it, but like everything else that is good for your body, you just have to tell yourself it is good for you. I can just imagine Coltons face tonite when I juice up some grass. Papa and I went to visit Caley at camp after. She is at the U of MN for 2 weeks working her butt off. I know where the saying "she's not a happy camper comes from". She is not singing songs around the campfire. She is swimming back and forth down a long pool and when she is not doing that, she is running up and down stairs doing dryland. There is no time for the hair to dry, let alone the swim suits, because they are back in the water soon after each meal. Some day she will thank me. So in all, it was a good day. I hate to complain about anything because the chemo is going so well, but I would be flying sky high if my leg pain would go away. I am seeing Dr. John Belde and he is helping out, he said it just may take a few treatments. I can stand it until Friday, then I will go crazy.

June 16: In all honesty, never throughout the past year have I ever asked "why me?" because I know the answer to that. I have never questioned Gods love for me or Jesus's healing power. What I don't understand, and yes, ask "WHY?" is after passing the test of toxicity of the chemo, why must I be in so much physical pain with this sietic nerve. I would be feeling so great and able to have so much summer fun, but noooo, I am victim to pain pills just to get through the night. Last night I was honored to coach a meet with 31 swimmers from our club. It took my mind off the pain, a bit, and I enjoyed the triumphs of the swimmers. They have improved so much since I have seen them last. I am so proud of the coaching staff and of the willing participating swimmers. Just to get through the meet I took 5 ibuprofen and when I got home I took 2 Tylenol 3 with codeine, and after I swallowed my chemo pills, I questioned for a minute, how much more I can take. The pain was so severe, I would have taken anything to get over it. Sleep over took me just in time, drug induced. I hate putting these poisins in my body, but this pain I can not meditate through or sleep off. So, once again, "why?". I have an opportunity to feel good and play, but it is taken away because of something totally unrelated to my life threatining disease. I have heard from others that have experienced this pain, and only they can relate, but they all said it takes awhile to get through it. I am not that patient. Tomorrow night, at the Twins game, I will be receiving an award from the Twins called "Outstanding Coaches Award". It will take place at 6:30 before the game. Before those festivities, Mike and I will be going to WCCO TV to be interviewed by Mike Max. Not sure when it will air, they will do some footage from the game as well, so it will probably be the 10:00 ndws. After the interview we will meet up with about 50 family and friends that are going to the game to be part of this award. Alisha Blaydes and Forrest Robeck sent in the nomination. I like to think of it as an award solely for my coaching abilities, not for my handicap. There was a time, when I was a good coach, on deck and willing to stay until the last swimmer achieved success. Last night I saw a lot of those success stories come true. The coaching ability is still in there. My heart still races when I hear the splash of water and the cheers of the parents in the stands. The smiles of accomplishments and better yet, the attitude when success isn't acheived just yet. The determination to practice harder and continue until personal goals are met. Maybe frustration is a stage I have to go through to appreciate the other side. Well, I am ready to get there. If I wasn't through menopause, I'd swear I was PMSing. I don't even have that excuse anymore. Monday I started having mouth sores. I thought is was a stress-related cold sore, and then on Tuesday, I thought I must have burned the roof of my moutht on something. But this morning I will label it mouth sores. My gums around my wisdom teeth are swollen (yes, I still have my wisdom teeth. I am terrified of the dentist). The sides of my tounge feel like I bit them. I will have to get out the mouth wash I used last year for this. It makes it real hard to eat cereal. Just another reason to get on the juice diet. I wasn't sure of juicing because I thought I would loose weight doing it. Now that I have gained and maintained, I think I can try it. Oh it is going to take alot of self-control. Today is a sunny, summery day. Maybe a little time in the sun will heat the pain out of my leg. Of course I will use sun screen.

June 18: Is it possible to get a "do over"? If so, I would like to do last night over. I tried real hard to soak up every moment from the time everyone met on the Plaza at the MetroDome to the moment we said goodnight. The weather was picture-perfect. Everyone was in a festive mood. I loved to watch my loved ones mingle with each other and the nieces and nephews laugh and play. We went down on the field before the game. Alisha, Forrest, Mike and myself stood in front of home plate to receive the award of Totally Awesome Coaches award presented by Al Newman. I also got a real nice Twins jacket with a signed baseball in the pocket. Looking up to the stands, there were rows of people waving at us! How uplifting it is to look up and be adored. With all those people up there, I could pick my mom out from the masses. What an inspiration. I could see the pride in her eyes, and I felt the support of everyone else. Throughout the game there was musical chairs as we were trying to all sit together, yet we sat in someone elses reserved seat. So we moved down, up, over, whatever it took to stay connected. In the 5th inning we were all paying attention to the Jumbotron because Kent Mishler paid for an anniversary wish going out to his wife Kathy, and lo and behold, there was a congratulations to me, from the Monticello Methodists! So cool. And then there was the profession of Kents love to Kathy. Both of us women were surprised. It is fun to relive the night, just wish we could redo it again tonight. And in some humorous irony, the Twins had to go into extra innings, dig down deep, stay determined, fight when they were tired, and in the end, VICTORY was ours! The WCCO interview will probably be on Monday night. It is possible that people are just kind. How easy that is to do, and yet hard to accept. I accept everyones kindness, and my love I give to you in return.

June 21: It is Mikes brother, Tims', 40th birthday and I had to stay home from the party. It has not been a good couple of days. For one, I think the chemo is starting to add up in my body. Not unbearable like before, but I can definately feel the poison in my body. The other reason for the blahs is the leg pain has gotten to the severe point. I was losing control today. I was willing to do anything to feel better. It is terrible to not be in control, even for a moment. Last night I was within an hour of going to the ER because I couldn't take the pain. I took as much pain medication as I thought I should. Today it was just as bad, and I may have taken more than I should, but I didn't care at that point. I went to the doctor and he sent me for a MRI. I do not know the results yet, but the fact that there will be answers gives me some comfort. He also put me on a stereoid dose pack to help with the inflamation of the nerves. I will still have to take pain pills tonight to get through the night, but hopefully by tomorrow the swelling will go down and I will have some relief. Yes, it is that bad! It is difficult to sit in this chair to update the journal, but I must keep up with it. I also had to do my weekly blood work. The red and white blood cell counts are going down. The white is a little below the range and the red is at the low. The Platlets are the low ones of concern for me. It is 109. The range is 150-240 or something like that. I have had lower, I know, but just something to watch. My blood pressure was quite low also 100/60. I can't remember why I have to monitor my blood pressure, I thought it was because a side effect is high blood pressure. If that is the case, no worries there. The nurse said it is a bit concerning, I said "as long as there is still a heart beat, I am happy". WCCO had the story on the news last night. You can still view it at wcco.com and click on sports, should be a video clip. I thought they did a very nice job. I am so proud of Shane. He is so handsome and well-spoken. What a gentleman! I want to thank Bill Caldwell for setting his friend, Mike Max, up with me to do that story. Happy birthday Tim, and welcome to the club (over 40 club).

June 23: I am so excited about today. I get to go pick up my baby at camp. I miss her when she spends one night at a friends house, I don't think we will do this 2 week camp again. It is too hard on everyone. She sounds so grown up on the phone. She called everyday, but usually at 9:56 and lights are to be out at 10:00 so we just get to say goodnight. Maybe that is her intentions, so we don't ask so many questions. It sounds like she has met a lot of new friends from other states. It will be so much fun for her when she travels to other states for meets and sees these new friends. I am also excited about taking her to a Gophers swim meet. She will now know the swimmers on the team because that is who has been her counselors at camp. I am happy to say that the leg pain has gone down to a 6 on a 1-10 scale. That is still with pain medication. I find out about the MRI today. I may just suggest amputation.

June 24: I could jump for joy, do a cartwheel, and run down hill, only in my head for now. The MRI showed no masses on my spine and no bulging disks. Where is the pain coming from? I don't know. I didn't get to talk to the doctor, the nurse called with the info. So with that peace of mind, I can concentrate on deep tissue messages and the good ol' "grin-and-bear-it". One thing I forgot about while taking all this pain medication it to take stool softners as well. This would help a few matters out. Caley is so excited about being home. She and Colton are doing her ab workout from camp right now. She worked hard. She is in great shape,and ready to swim now. Her attitude was pretty #$%*^ty at the beginning of summer, and then we shipped her off to camp a week into her summer. I was real lenient with the amount of time she spent on the phone, internet, t.v., so her world shifted a bit the first few days being in a dorm. Not to mention, the reality of her mom fighting cancer. I am sure it was tough on her when the lights went out at night. But if I am showing her anything, sometimes you can put your mind over the matter, and you would be amazed at what you can accomplish. Now the family is back together and we can practice some normalcy. The summer is about a third of the way done. We need to get busy doing summer things. For some reason I am in the mood for watermelon.

June 28: Gen:9:9 I am making a covenant with you and your descendenants. Monday evening there was a church service. An unusual night for a service, but this was an unusual service. It was a time for me to ask God for His total healing. This has been done on a daily basis for a long time now, but I put some formality to it. James 5:14 Are any among you sick? They should call the elders of the church and have them pray over them, annointing them with oil in the name of the lord. So that is what we did at church tonight. It was magical, mystical, memorable. I asked those close to me in church and bible study to attend along with our families. Together we prayed, took communion (which I helped serve in the breaking of the bread), and listened to Pastor Dan call on Jesus' healing power as the greatest of physicians to heal my body, mind and spirit. Kevin Jepson sang "Healing Rain" by Michael W. Smith. It was during a thunderstorm, he belted out the most perfect tune! The rain continued during the service. All laid hands on me, all felt the Holy Spirit in the chapel Gen 9:12 and God said, "I am giving you a sign as evidence of my eternal covenant with you and all living creatures. At the end of the service we mingled and hugged. I could feel myself draining, emotionally letting down and letting the love from those around me keep me standing. One by one, we were leaving, when someone noticed a double rainbow in the eastern sky. Following the rainbow up and back down, it was a complete rainbow! Gen 9:13 I have placed my rainbow in the clouds . It is the sign of my permanent promise to you and to all the earth. We were given visual proof that God was listening, extending His promise to me. I am blessed more now than I was with a healthy body. I was exhausted when we got home. I am up in the middle of the night because I needed to debrief myself in all that happened at the service and after. The energy and emotions, the tears and the love. It is swirling through my head and heart. There is power working in me. I will take this momentum with me today as I go to the Mayo Clinic to meet the doctor that is the author of the clinical trial I am on. I figured I would go right to the source. No one would be more interested in me than the doctor doing the trial. I will have blood work and get the meds for cycle 2. I have completed one full cycle of the new chemo. One month from now, I know I will be up in the middle of the night again, anticipating the CT scan I will be having to measure the tumors. After tonights service, the doubts have been washed away. The oil on my forehead has absorbed into my head. The weight of the hands on my body will be forever felt deep inside. The love that was in the church will remain in my heart forever.

Later that same day: I am home from the Mayo. It was a fun day, if hanging out with your life buddy for the day. The blood work went well. The white blood cells are down a bit and the platelets are about the same as before, 114. But the best news is the cholesterol that was 468 a month ago is now down to 360. I am on Lipitor, but I am also watching what I eat. Pretty uneventful. I had the port flushed out. The nurse thought I should mention it next time to the doctor, it doesn't look good. The scab is the only thing holding it in place. I loose the scab, and it is back to being a whales blow hole. Mike and I had a shot of wheat grass, strolled around down town Rochester and had some lunch. We were able to get into the doctors office early, but than we waited and waited to be seen. Oh well, better in a private room than in a lobby. Mike kept getting ideas with the stirrups and all the instruments. Good thing the doctor came in when he did. We had dinner in Rochester at a Mexican resteraunt before driving home. Too many days like this and we would be broke just visiting the doctors office. Tomorrow I will have a test on the nerves in my legs here in Monticello. It is killing me. I am a pain pill addict, I just wish they would take the pain away instead of just make me sleepy.

July 1: Rare and abnormal are the 2 words that describe me best now-a-days. I had a NC-Stat test done on my leg the other day and the results came back as "abnormal". Doesn't mean a hill of beans to me. Just another opportunity to learn more medical terms. I have an appointment at the Mayo, thanks to my cool nurse down there who got me in right away. I will be seeing a neurologist on Tuesday. He specializes in cancer patients. I am hoping for an answer and a quick fix to feeling better. Until then I will have to live on pain pills for the holiday weekend. We bought a sleep number bed. If you were to put an egg on each side of the bed, the would roll to the middle and scramble. That is how Mike and I sleep. Although I swear we would only need a twin bed because we spoon all night, it will be nice to have the king size real estate for the non-sleeping hours. It is adjustable also so we can watch T.V. and read in bed easier. It will also be easier when Mike serves me breakfast in bed. Don't think this happens all that often, not that he wouldn't, but he would have to get up real early to beat me out of bed. That will be the highlight of the weekend. We will also be attending a wedding, visiting friends overnight and making the rounds to the Oquist cabins. Then on the holiday itself, we will be hosting my brother and his family for some backyard fun. I am so thankful I feel good, just have to keep up with the pain pills and I will be fine. Happy Birthday America. Thank you armed forces for helping us stay free and beautiful. Have a fun weekend and remember the troopers will be having their radar on, drive safely.

July 5: The weekend was so eventful and a lot of fun, now I am paying the price. I had my weekly blood work done. The white blood cells are down to 2.3 (4.0 is the low of normal), the red blood cells are a bit low, but it is the platelets that keep going down. It is at 75 now, down from 114 last week. My blood pressure is high 140/90. I need rest! My leg is preventing me from sleeping more than a few hours at a time. Usually a total of 4 hours a night this weekend. Our new sleep number bed is here, now I can type from the bed with my head raised and my legs elevated. I also went to the Mayo today looking for answers for the leg pain. My brother and sister-in-law brought me down. It was a short visit, but unfortunalty I have to go back down again in the morning. I met with a neurologist/oncologist. He did a few muscular and neurological tests on my legs and feet. Seems I have less control in my right foot than in my left. So along with the MRI from last week, he needs another MRI and the fearful EMG. I heard it is painful, but I can bite the bullet. I won't know the results until Monday. The doctor will know them, but I am going to Milwaukee for a swim meet this weekend. The doctor was all about me going. He said absolutely go for the weekend and do what you need to get through the drive. Alex, my other coaching buddy will be driving in the van with me and so will Shane. So I can go in back and lay down on the bed if need be. News alert: I will be on the Mike Max sports show tomorrow night at 8:35 PM. It is 830 AM on the radio dial so tune in if you can.

July 7: I am up in the wee hours of the morning waiting for the pain pills to take affect. Yesterday I was at the Mayo for a test at 7:45 and then at 2:30. It was a long day, but it went by fast killing time with my good friend Shelly. We did a little shopping; tried to stretch lunch out, but it still only lasted 30 minutes, and then we found our happy place in the courtyard of St. Marys hospital. We were soaking up the sun while sitting on a bench, just chatting away. I was fortunate to remember my cell phone, and had it on, and heard it ring, so I was able to recieve the call from the imaging department that I was able to get in 1 1/2 hours early. Cut the tanning time, but also cut the amount of time to be away from home. The EMG I had first in the morning has the same reputation as a mamogram. It wasn't pleasant, but it was bearable. The hardest part was having a needle put in the muscle of the leg and then I had to move that muscle. That was done in various muscles up the leg. I was very apprehensive because I heard how horrible that test is. I hope to never do one again, but if you must have one, it is doable. So the neurologist will put all the pieces of the puzzle together and tell me about it on Monday at 1:15. Until then, I will relaxe, take as little pain medicine as I can, and enjoy my weekend. We leave in the morning for Milwaukee. I have such fond memories of swimming at this pool. As a swimmer, I swam there a few times a year. Another teammate and myself would get an ear pierced everytime we went there when we were old enough to drive ourselves. I have 3 extra holes besides the pair I got as a confirmation gift in 8th grade. I don't put earings in my Milwaukee holes anymore, but I am reminded of the fun times when I see the holes in the mirror. My dad took my sister in me there one time when we swam on the same team. That was a blast. A dad and his 2 daughters on a trip. We had him wrapped around the pinky. We went shopping at some wholesale sweater store and bought one of every color. That was when crew neck monogramed sweaters were so popular. I also remember a fun resteraunt we went to where they had parrots all about and one was brought to our table and sat on my shoulder. I am sure I didn't have poultry at that lunch. On the way home, we did an overnight at Wisconsin Dells. I am not sure if that was in the plans, but it probably only took one "pleeeease" and dad said "ok". The Dells was a bit different way back then. We went to a few different water parks and of course we did the water skiing show at night. Mike and Colton will be staying home so Colton won't miss hockey and Mike won't miss work. It is unfortunate mostly because Mikes only relatives live in Milwaukee, an aunt, uncle and 2 cousins, along with their kids. We will get together and have a few laughs. I am excited to get away from the normal routine, and be a coach for the weekend. I was on the radio last night with Mike Max. I was literally called 1 1/2 minutes before the 8:35 air time, and was given no script, a little scary. I just got down on my knees at 8:30 and asked God to stand beside me and grab my foot before it goes in my mouth. I think it went real well. Mike Max seemed very courtious and compassionate. He was easy to talk to. My Mike will try to put the interview on this site. I will no longer complain about public speakers who say "um" more than twice. That must be my, um, new favorite word, because I said it like, um, 40 times. As you can tell by the length of the entry, it is taking a while for the pain to subside. Good thing the butter knives are so far away, or I would cut my leg off with one. The sleep number bed is great, not helping the insomnia, but it is comfortable. Just a side note to those thinking of buying one. If you are going to the expense of purchasing the outragiously expensive bed and then upgrading it to a king size and furthering that ticket price by adding on the adjustable head and foot positions, well then, be prepared to buy expensive sheets. I am trying to Scrooge my way around that and bought a set for $50 (that is supposidly cheap), washed them and was excited to finally have nice sheets after 4 nights of sheets that are too small they pop off at night. Well, the sheets need to be deep pocket sheets, and supposidly I wasn't suppose to put the 100% cotton sheets in a hot dryer. I learned my lesson, and will have to buy yet another set of sheets and eat the $50 I already spent. I must try to go to sleep now, or at least get out of this sitting position. I will not be able to update until Sunday or Monday, so everyone have a fabulous weekend, stay cool, and tell yourselves you are a good person.

July 11th. This is Mike writing. I won't even try to compare to my beautiful wife's talent. The drive down was painful for Heidi as we got closer the pain was getting more intense as it has for the past couple of weeks. We arrived yesterday at 12:15 and had a great lunch. We spilt a Focaccia bread sandwich and pasta salad. The appointment was at 1:15 where we met with Dr. Casino. He explained that after looking at her MRI's a couple times the Radiologist had spotted a 2.9cm (or 1 inch for you metric challenged people) tumor. This was devastating news to us as we thought it would be her Sciatic nerve related to her back. But it is a tumor that is pressing on her Sciatic nerve. We then went to see Heidi's Oncologist and he immediately hospitalized Heidi to get her pain under control. At the hospital 3 different nurses tried to get the IV into Heidi's port with no luck. Now she was REALLY in pain and they decided to put the IV into her arm. They were successful and with in ten minutes she was finally getting relief. Now, she had not had Vicodin for approximately 9 hours!!!! She then started to throw-up shortly there after and they gave meds to combat that. The doctors told us that we had to wait until Tuesday to find out about the radiation therapy for the tumor. I slept on the recliner and she finally was able to get some good sleep without serious pain in a long time.


July 12th I just arrived home from the Mayo. Heidi is resting at the Methodist Hospital loaded full of pain meds. She went thru 2 pain meds and 3 meds for nausea. She had a 3:00 pm appointment for a radiation simulation. They will not start the real radiation until they get the history from her previous radiation. If the radiation area is not overlapping the previous radiation, she may only need one treatment!!! If it is overlapping then it will be up to 10 treatments. We will find out tomorrow at 2:30 when she has her next appointment. GG (Grandma Gloria) has been there since 11:00 am and is staying down there tonight. Pastor Dan also came down today for a couple of hours and we all had a great visit!! Caley just came home from softball and I asked her how she did and they won the first game 15-2 and lost the second 20-2. She explained the second game the pitcher was really fast and everyone was scared. Caley struck out the first time at bat but the second time she has a 2-2 count and she looked at the pitcher and thought about Mom and her pain in the hospital and said the ball was her tumor and she swung the bat and smacked a hit!! The first one of the game!!!! You go girls!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

July 13th Mike Again. Sorry I have had problems up loading to the web site!! I spoke with Heidi many times today but the last was she needs 5 days of radiation not 1 or 10. That is a good compromise. Bubba leaves tomorrow for Sonshine Fest in Willmar. He is going to have a blast!! It is a Christian WEFEST. Well I need to get Shane to church for a meeting about his Mission trip.

July 14th Mike Again Heidi's latest news....she had her port removed today! She say's that it feels wonderful and is very excited about it!~! She also had her second radiation treatment as well. Don her brother spent yesterday and last night with her....and today Kari spent all day and is spending all night with her!!! Heidi ate vet able stir fry with rice but could only have dinner because of her radiation....

July 15: I am back!!!!!!, or should I say, I am HOME! What an ordeal. I am so thankful that Mike updated throughout the week. He was only able to do it through my conversations with him. It was real hard for him to be at work and not down at the hospital with me. He was there in thought. I will update the ordeal in first person at a later time. I need to nap before the Relay for Life tonight. Thank you all for all the prayers, thoughts, pillows, Willow statue, and flowers, etc.

July 18th: I am just getting the hang of the new publishing site. I am a slow learner. This morning, Kathy Mishler is taking me down to the Mayo to finish my last two radiation treatments. Should be a fun girls night out. We will be stayiong at my moms friends' townhouse close to the medical center. Takes away 4 hours of driving. Thank you Vicky for offering me your place. I have a lot to do to get ready to leave, so hopefully I have this thing down, and can update from Rochester tonite. I have so much to say, so little time. Staying busy is a good thing. Getting off these pain pills will be a better thing. Thanks for the prayers, I appreciate them and you.

July 20, I am going to give it a try updating the web a different way. There is so much that goes on behind the curtains to put this whole thing on. I am typing in Word and when Mike gets home, he can download it onto the real thing. Not to mention, it helps with my inability to spell and type now a days. Not writing for a few days really screws me up. I have little, to none, recollection from the days that have passed by. The pain pills I am on are doing their job in helping with the pain. I have just figured out that a nausea pill along with the pain pill is the trick to keeping the pain away and the medicine down. I have been throwing up daily since the 11th. No, that isn't fun for a 41 year old to be hanging off the side of a toilet basin. Then there is the timing issue. It wasn't a problem when I was in the hospital, I would just yell bucket and puke it all out, knowing someone was there to rub my back. At home, it is a little different. I have places I need to be, and I have little kids face I need to excuse myself from the table from. Once I throw up, I am fine. I just go on with the rest of the schedule.

July 22: Here I am a few days later, in my new Sleep Number bed, elevated to type in my journal. I have not updated in so long. On Monday, June 18, Kathy drove me to Rochester and Caley went along with us. It was a great distraction and I loved watching the two girls get goofy together. We had lunch and went to the mall and did a little shopping. I had my 4th radiation in the afternoon and then we went to the townhouse and ordered pizza in. The girls went off to find a Target, while I went to bed early. It was 9:00 and I had to call to see where they are. They were driving up the drive as I called. Seemed they got a little lost. Those two stayed up watching t.v. and I stayed up listening to them giggle and talk. I can't wait to be that kind of mom again to say up late and laugh. The next morning we were all up early so we left for the clinic to get my blood work over. I didn't get to look at the results yet. I checked in an hour early for my last radiation at the chance I can get in ahead of schedule. Turned out to be a good decision. As I was leaving the radiation room, the technician was so excited for me to finish my last radiation. I told her this was just a bump in the road I have ahead of me. I thanked her for showing me that I should enjoy a little celebration. Since we were done early, we were able to come home sooner. Kathy dropped me off close to Mikes work and then she took Caley home. Mike and I went through drive-through and had a picnic on my parents deck. I took a nap the rest of the day and in the evening my dad and I strolled the city of Hopkins to have a bite to eat and waste time before a meeting I went to for Minnesota Swimming. My dad stayed that night and then next two nights my mom stayed over night. Michelle (Mikes sister) came for a visit and did some ironing for me. My health is not the best right now. I need as much rest as possible. I am not the first one to recognize this. The medicine I have been on actually was doing the opposite of what it was suppose to do. I was taking 120 mg of oxycontine as well as 20 mg of oxycondone and 300 mg of neurontin. Not a good combination for my weight. After a call to the doctor because it seems I was saying and doing some wrong things according to Mike and my mom. I actually slept walk last night! I know lately I have been talking in my sleep and saying some pretty funny things, but last night tops all. At about midnight, Mike came into the bathroom. I was in there with the light on all upset because I was putting a mask on my face, but it wasn't toughening up like it was suppose to. Mike had no idea what I was talking about. I kept speaking of the mask and looking in the mirror at my face. I kept telling Mike I had to leave because I had to go to work at the library. I told him not to eat Rolaids at night if you leave them on your tongue because it is a secret that there is poison in the center with poisonous worms that get into your stomach. I started to realize I was acting crazy and started to come around to an awaken state. Mike looked around the counter and realized I had hair gel on my face!! I washed it off and we had a little laugh. Not too hard because we both realize this is not my normal behavior. At about 4:30 Mike kept trying to wake me up to go to church. I laid there thinking now he has lost it. After a minute or two, I realized this is the day Shane is leaving for his mission trip to North Carolina and he needs to be to church at 5:00 A.M. Seems like the medicine needs to be reduced. The doctor called and told me to get off the oxycontine and reduce the oxycondone to 10mg. Lets see what tonight brings with less medicine. I have been ordered to stay in bed by Mike and my mom. Be safe Shane and I pray for you daily. My face is peeling off!

July 23: Even though it is early morning, I can already tell it will be a better day. Shane called last night about 11:45 to say they are in Indianapolis for the night and he is having "fun". That is a relief. All day in a van filled with teenagers and at the end of the day he can say he is having fun, praise God. An hour after his phone call and sleep, I awoke to a puddle of sweat. I slept in a gray t-shirt. There were only a few spots of dry shirt. I am supposidly going through withdrawl of oxycontin addiction. My emotions are more in check this morning as well. It seems I was a little sporadic in my personality. Last night I held on tight to Colton before he went to bed. I cried so hard and he gave me his blanker to hold on to while I let loose. I fell four feet into a deep well when he did that, I made that blanket 14 years ago for his birth. He is not ashamed to admit, he still sleeps with that thing, brings it to all sleep overs and cuddles with it when he feels sick. I am glad he was there with me to get me through a tough moment. Mike was also there to complete our circle. I am still not able to drive or run around and do errends, etc. I will be smart this time and stay home to feel better for the long run. My face is still peeling off, can't find a moisturisure to combate hair gel in its potency. Another secret, I went to the bathroom for the first time today in over 2 weeks without the help of ANY medicine or enema. Maybe I am turning the corner. The other thing that was out of wack that contributed to my bout of insanity is that I didn't pick up my bible the whole time I needed it the most. Sure, I still prayed, more than ever, but saying all the wrong things. Mike and I talked this morning and agreed that when I am in the state I was in, I need him to read for me. So we put a pocket study guide in my purse to have with me. It is so easy to forget that God doesn't want us to feel sick and when we need Him most, He is there. I forgot all this, or at least was so out of it, I thought I knew more than the teachings and just thought it was the beginning of the end of me. For example, it is very hard to walk lately. In my mind, I silenty thought there was a tumor in my left hip now because it hurts so bad and I look wierd when I walk. Mike reminded me that I just finished 5 radiation treatments. Probably very intense if it is enough radiation to do what 31 treatments took last summer. That makes so much sense. After he said that, a load lifted from my mind. Another thing to note is that I am at the lowest weight I have ever been since college. I admit it is nice, but I do know I can't ignore the fact that I have to eat to maintain my immune system. I am drinking my Xango again, another thing that made me out of sync. I am on the way back. I have gone through withdrawls and am ready to get healthy, the natural way.

July 25: Well, here we go on the all-familiar trip to Mayo. We are leaving one day befor the BIG test because Caley is having her hips/legs looked at by my friend/doctor who is an orthopedic doc. She has been complaining for over two years about her legs hurting, the clinic here said it is Juvinial Arthritis. We haven't done much since then, so now we are going for the 2nd opinion. Like I don't have enought to stress over, let's add another family member to the sick list. Honestly it will answer a lot of questions and how hard we can push her when she complains her legs hurt. We are taking Colton along as well. We had planned this for awhile so the kids can see where I go, and they won't have to spend another whole day home alone finding something fun to do on their summer vacation. Of course that means they both have to miss their sporting practices, I must be getting soft. Shane called last night. He is finaly in North Carolina and ready to work a full day today in the community. He still claims to be having fun. They had a chicken dinner cooked for them last night. I am sure he dug that after so many days of fast food. He is a big home-cooked eater. Wih me luck. The test is tomorrow at 7:00 and I get the results at 2:00. Pray hard you warriors.

July 26: "Today is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it". This is what Mike said to me this morning as we were getting in the shuttle van headed for the Mayo Clinic. It was a long day. We left the hotel at 5:30a.m. and got ahead of schedule for the blood work. We were the first ones to the CT scanning department. And then we waited! The doctor didn't show up until after 8:00. I was done and on our way back to the hotel for breakfast (I was fasting for the blood work and the CT scan). We met up with Caley and Colton who looked so cute sitting at a table together eating the complimentary breakfast. We went for a morning swim, and then had a morning nap. We checked out and went for a pizza lunch, and a little shopping at a hockey store that was having a sidewalk sale. Colton got hockey shirts for $3.00. What deals we found. Then again we waited for our 2:15 appointment. It was around 3:00 when we were escorted to room 324. How the memory picks up little things, and big things get washed in a bunch of mumble-jumble words. Lorelei, the nurse, finaly came into the room after a good wait. She had a few small conversational words and got to business. Seems the scans are not in my favor. Bottom line, the tumors are once again, growing. I could tell the one in the middle/bottom of my sternum was growing, because it is extrememly painful and large to the touch. Soon I will be a freak show with an orange size shape protuding out of my stomach. Well, of course we can't continue the trial chemo I was on. SO upsetting. I am saddend and scared. I am frustrated and freaked-out. I am exhausted. I am no sure of all the details of what is to come of the healing plan, Mike will have to fill me in. I heard something about the next trial requires me to be off any type of chemo for 4 weeks. Not quite sure of my reaction to that yet. I am in physical pain, so it is hard to imagine exhisting for 4 weeks knowing there are tumors in my body that are growing with the chemo. If I go down for any reason, sickness; loss of appitite; general ickies;whatever, then I go to the clinic and get checked in and get put on a chemo that doesn't have the best of percentages to it, but at least it is a back up. I am going back on Oxycontin, but only 40 mg, and a break through with Oxycodone when needed. My back aches due to the tumors pushing on it and, like I said, my stomach hurts like someone kicked me there. I will need something to get me through. If ever there was a time to be strong, this is it! So like Mike said, let us rejoice. I feel the power even through the deppression. I look at the kids, and I think: FIGHT! God is a healer and a restorer, I don't think he is through with me yet. On our way home from the clinic, about half way, there was just a smidged of a rainbow hidden in the clouds. Even though it was small, it was bright. Like it was saying "don't forget my promise" Mark 11:24 "Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them." I am still a beliver. We can rejoice that Caleys hips are just a result of her growing so fast, and according to where her growth plates are, she has some more growing to do. I have been promised that I will be around to see that growth. Don't think I am all happy and smiling. My eyes are puffy from crying, my stomach hurts so much I had to take medicine, and I have no appitite, yet I know I need to stay healthy. I could go crazy right now, I could get mad right now, but I am too tired and to confused. I need to come up with an attack plan, and Mike is willing to help me. Thank you to everyone who prayed so hard, please continue. I need you now, more than ever. I am in for a hard fight, but my grandmother was a tough women, and I have been told I resemble her in many ways. Well, grandma, lead me on, just not home yet.

July something, I am not even sure: I know it is a Thursday, but have no care what the date is. I know today I go back down once again to the Mayo clinic for yet another MRI. THis time it will be on my back. When the MRI was done for my leg, they only did up so high, where my back is hurting, is just beyond where the pictures were. I am hoping it is just stress that is making it hurt, but like last time with my leg, I am not waiting 3 months and making up excuses. I am going to be more aggressive. The MRI is at 4:15 and I get the results tomorrow morning. Shelly Lindgren will be taking me down and staying with me. Wish me luck. If it is good news, I will be updating tomorrow, if there is no update, it is because I had to stay down in Rochester. Heres to hoping I am updating tomorrow.